Newest Get Rich Quick Method

This week was the first week back in school for grade schools where I live. I love grade school for many reasons such as nap time, snack time, coloring time, game time, it seems like there is a time for everything and it’s mostly good. In fact the only bad thing is when they kick you out of all these times and they call it timeout and for a child it is worse than anything. However there is one thing that irks me about grade schools nationwide and I am sure it will irk you as well. It deals with police officers, piggy banks, hot air balloons, trips to the zoo, robots, and a thousand other things. If you’re still wondering what I am talking about it is the whole genre of children’s literature. Ugh!

Why do children’s books suck? There are many reasons so let’s start with the basic ones. I have never read a coherent child book that has a decent plot. I don’t care that some creepy dude with a mustache saved the town when the animals escaped from the zoo. Or that some old lady took her dog for a walk. Now if that were the only problem it would be fine, but do you know what most children do during story time? Go to sleep. I would too if I had to hear about some umbrella that makes you fly. How many kids have gone home and jumped off their roof with umbrellas after hearing about Mary Poppins? I have no clue but it is a lot. I wouldn’t want to go to school either to hear about some fat kid who eats ice cream and saves his pennies in a piggy bank to buy more ice cream; he is clearly the true piggy.

So while the children sleep as they are read to the school is forking over cash to pay for these books. Some cost upwards of 22 dollars, and they buy multiple copies and lots of books. The kids don’t even read them. They just tear the pages and get mucus on them. You could put a copy of the tax code and they would do the same thing.

It’s a frickin scam that these authors make mad cash off of books that are written at sub-par levels of intelligence. I was well aware by age five that animals without wings can’t fly. The best-selling children’s book this year is called Silverlicious. It has a partner book entitled Goldilicious. They are pictured below:

Obviously the author picked these titles because she is going to become Ms. Goldilicous after she cons all the country’s public schools into buying 5 copies of her overpriced book. She will make off like a bandit while 5 year old boys are listening about the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny. Those kids have better things to do, like play cops and robbers.

Here is my version of a Children’s book: Dear children, a tiger escaped from the zoo and ate 12 people, than some dude shot him with a gun and the crisis ended. The true crisis being that books with that same story line are read five days a week all across America, and people get rich for it. Bogus.

So maybe next year I will win the Newbery for this entry. Picture books are a scam, give the kids some crayons, and tell them a real story, or maybe that you love them.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Ben Williams.

Firm Facebook Facts

Facebook has changed the world. It is impossible to go through the day and not encounter it. On every web page there are links to Facebook, it has become the sun of the electronic galaxy. Everything revolves around Facebook.  I would say I have to be careful about what I say but from my other posts you will be able to tell that I don’t care who I offend in my posts. My goal is humor and were all the butts of it sometime so get used to it. Here are some facebook facts, they should put them in the stupid screen no one reads when you have to sign up for new stuff.

First and foremost facebook is for single people. It is a social website and married people no longer need to meet or interact with people. I don’t recall facebook being mentioned in marital vows (thank goodness it hasn’t gotten that far) I do remember people pledging loyalty to their husbands or wives though. The scripture would be well translated were it to say that they should leave facebook and cling to their spouse and none other. So often I get on Facebook to find absurd declarations of love to their significant other. No kidding you love your wife, you freaking married her and the ring on her finger lets us know that you two are love birds in the same cage. If clingy spouses publish ridiculous cliché nonsense as their Facebook status do the rest of have to read it? Unfortunately yes, and it invokes the gag reflex quicker than masochistic web forums. So instead of expressing your love over Facebook use the telephone.

Next up, your group sucks and your cause is lost. I know that starving kids need help and abortion is bad but me joining a Facebook group has the same capacity of solving it as the kids I am “supporting” do of having a thanksgiving dinner. Zero. Far too often I get invited to bogus groups such as “star wars is cool”, “I had Mr. Jones as a teacher”, or perhaps the most far-fetched “support republicans”. I don’t want to join your group so you can send me a worthless message that you’re going to have an orgy in star wars costumes. Save it for Halloween.

Lastly, relationship status posted on facebook is like wearing t-shirts that mention your boyfriend or girlfriend. repulsive and a banner displaying your distasteful fashion. If you have to post that you are in a relationship just to reassure yourself you have serious problems. Whenever I see posts that say “Joanne went from being ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship’” my heart drops. Not because my chances with Joanne are shot but because I always thought Joanne had more self-confidence and tact than publishing her relationship on facebook.  If you are looking to discuss your relationship, or lack thereof online e harmony is just a click away. Really. 

http://www.eharmony.com/

So Facebook friends, after “liking” my blog please keep this in mind and be a good member of my Facebook community.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Ben Williams

Reality is sexist.

Due to my burning ambition for higher education I am registered and enrolled in college. Yesterday I went down for an orientation to get to know my university and learn about its procedures. Now, the best part about college in general is its dedication to equality. The government has set up wonderful things likes Title IX to prevent inequality based on gender. Now, I obviously am a huge fan of this program that deprives colleges thousands of dollars of income and robs students of opportunities at the nation’s universities. But gender equality is that important, important enough to close down athletic programs, restrict scholarships, and take away student involvement opportunities. That is why I was appalled when reality openly denied this wonderful undermining title. Let me explain.  At the conclusion of this orientation they did a drawing for a book scholarship. The scholarship would cover the cost of books for the students who won. They did the drawing and the winners consisted of one male and three females. It is bogus that a drawing, entirely dictated by chance, could produce such sex based results when the participants were split equally. I was shocked that mere chance would openly defy American laws. We should put chance behind bars. If American colleges and universities are subject to gender equality rules, chance and reality should be as well. While we are talking about reality lets mention another reality. Texas men’s football brought in 59 million dollars of profit to the university in 2010. It was the highest gaining college sports program across the nation.  In order for the top college female sport to equal that you would have to multiply their revenue by a negative number. Yep, of 53 public college women’s basketball teams (the most popular women’s sport) from the six most recognized conferences 100 percent of them lost money.  In total they amassed a 110 million dollar loss. Now, I have not taken college math but if I remember correctly, here is a decent equation to look at:

+money > -money

I know its mind blowing right. That a profit is greater than a loss. So across the nation we have a bunch of universities; The supposed hub of intellectual thinking, and they are scratching their heads still trying to figure out if Title IX is a good idea.  I just don’t get it, these guys can understand Einstein and Stephen Hawking but they do not understand that a positive is greater than a negative. Well, like always I am right. Excuse me while I anxiously wait to watch women’s basketball. Oh wait, no one does that.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Ben Williams

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to...

Hey folks,

You may have recently heard that NASA will no longer send shuttles to space. I wish I could say I was a bit saddened but I can’t. I was extremely happy. Somehow this portal of outrageous expenditures is still in the news, so I have decided to do a post on it. Now, for starters I am not in total opposition to space exploration. Now we all know of my burning patriotism, if you have doubts please read my “combatting communism" post, thus I fully support the program that was solely invented to show the Russians we could flex our muscle (and our spending) more than them. Indeed this is the government program that was encouraged because it was “hard” and Americans do hard things. I always presumed that people who worked at NASA were intelligent. I remember the phrase “it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to…” obviously inferring that a rocket scientist, aka a NASA worker, is smart.  But I am questioning this presumption after doing a small amount of research on one particular mission. The mission I am going to talk about is the mission of trying to find out if there is water on mars. Now, the question is not that dumb, however the measures exhausted to answer the question are unreasonably stupid. For starters let’s look at a picture of mars.

 Now I am no genius but from looking at this picture it doesn’t exactly look like the Amazon. So NASA decided to send some robots there to answer this question. Again, their purpose was to learn if there was or is water on mars. They want to learn this because water = life (sometimes). So they sent two robots to do some exploring on mars. In total the mission, this single solitary question cost just under a billion dollars to answer. They say that water has been on mars and life was possibly there. What?! They spend a billion dollars and there are no definite answers? They are still saying there might have been life on mars. Well we knew that before and it doesn’t take a billion dollars for someone to tell you a maybe. Hey NASA, there might be life on Jupiter, if you pay a billion dollars I will tell you again that there might be life on Jupiter. They pay a billion dollars and are no less conclusive in their results. It does not take a rocket scientist to tell you that’s a bad idea. Oh wait, it just might.

So while these intellects are bawled up in their space fantasies of interplanetary relations and who knows what else there is actually another crisis going on. So, NASA answer me these questions: is there life in Ethiopia? Is there water in Ethiopia? I actually don’t need NASA to tell me. There is life on Ethiopia however there is practically no water. So here we have these people with IQ’s of 140-200 spending their time wondering about water on a place where there is no human life and mean while there are drastic water shortages for entire countries with populations that are, well, higher than that of Mars. Oh and with a billion dollars you could purchase almost one million airplane tickets to Ethiopia to help this country. Or you could increase the country’s GDP by nearly 10 percent.

So maybe it does take a rocket scientist to spend a billion dollars (1/3 of Ethiopia’s GDP the year the robots were launched) to end up with a maybe.

Who do I hold responsible?

I figure I have to blame someone, so I have chosen NASA’s director of space operations pictured above. I would have a perma-frown too i.f I knew that the money I wasted could have been used to help thirsty Africans. Oh, and the mustache is not helping your case much. 

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams