Bigoted Bake Sale? Hardly.

I recently signed up for emails from a site called Groupon. They email me a daily coupon for my area every day. There are a ton of sites out there like this that make coupons available to people. It does not require a genius to tell you that most people like to pay less cash for things. It might however stump some people UC Berkeley; known as the nation’s most “liberal” university.

Let me explain. An association of students is organizing a phone bank to call California senators urging them to consider race and gender when extending admission letters to applying students. This comes in response to a proposition passed by voters last year that makes this practice known as affirmative action illegal in the state of California. Undoubtedly this association of students is highly ethnic.  What they want is for school administration boards to prefer women and people of ethnic backgrounds in comparison to their racist, bigoted, oppressive white male counterparts. In essence they want special treatment.

A group of college republicans gave them just that in an event so untactful and politically incorrect that republicans had to be attached to it. But it is hilarious because of the satire, and the response it has drawn from people on both sides of the debate.

They decided to hold a bake sale and the price of the pastries depended upon the race and gender of the customer. A white person got a pastry for two dollars, an Asian for a wun doler fity cents. Los mexicanos get them for 10 pesos, or one dollar, while dem black folks be payin in pure silver, 75 cents. The indian population: one pastry= twenty five cents and were all left saying “how”. Women will receive a quarter off the racial price, which means like one commentator said “Pocahontas will drive off with a truck full of pastries” because the pastries are free for Native American women. Isn’t that brilliant? Making prices reflect the difficulty of getting into college. So here is the head scratcher, the ethnic community is appalled at the bake sale. If anyone should be appalled it’s the white man; but for some reason supporters of affirmative action are pissed that they have to pay less for a pastry.

So here we have a bunch of college students that definitely don’t understand the idea of justice. The white population will resign under fears of being labeled a racist and pay the two bucks, and the rest will be protesting a discount. They go to one of America’s finest institutions and they are protesting a discount, they shouldn’t be there.

Poll: what would you do in this situation?

As a white man my plan of action would be the following: go straight to the international student center and become friends with all the non-white women I could find and I would give them cash to buy me pastries.

If I were a true American with an ethnic background however, I would capitalize on this in the following way. Lets say I am latino. I would gather my crew and offer the white folks a pastry for a buck fifty, I would pay the dollar for the pastry at the latino rate and pocket the fifty cents. I would make money off of someone else’s bake sale! That, my friends is the American dream and its exclusively available to the ethnic community, so why are they protesting?

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams

The Road to Prosperity: Being Gorgeous

I recently heard a middle aged women complain to her fellow female allies about the stresses of being “good looking.” At first I was very happy to know that there was other conceded people out there like me and I could immediately relate to on both levels—that is of being attractive, and also being conceded. However, she went on to explain that her “shrink” or psychologist had actually done an informal study. He told her that from his experience he noted that generally good looking people have more problems their average or not-so-good looking counter parts. Needless to say my respect for this dame waned instantly. I personally knew the logic was false because in my own life there is a drastic contradiction. I am a good looking person (obviously) yet I would never describe my life as problematic. Theory debunked right? Well for some of you I realize that you will need more than my experience to be convinced. Oh, and if you felt your heart jump out in agreement at the idea that better looking people have it harder, you might want to quit reading this right now.

Now, I understand that it is impossible to measure happiness but it is possible to measure some factors that can contribute greatly. Let us start with the obvious, money. Good looking people enjoy an earnings benefit over ugly people. For women, a study shows, that a “5” or above on the ten point scale (p.s. I am guiltless in utilizing a rating system that measures the physical beauty of a human being.) will enjoy 8 percent higher earnings than their homely counterparts. Undoubtedly some of you are saying something like “oh, that’s because better looking people are more intelligent or harder working.” Think of the cheerleader stereotype…it, like all stereotypes, exist for a reason. Now, just so you all of you know I am not opposed to this; I have been an advocate for an ugly tax for years and this is the equivalent.  I am however, using this to demonstrate that as far as money goes the ugly have it worse. Thank goodness for my great genetics.

I imagine that most people do not find excess weight attractive. I know there are a few, and they belong in fetish chat rooms. This, along with shortness or extreme tones of skin. Here is something I found from yahoo answers that is not only hilarious but resiliently truthful. “I am a 27 years old fat girl (I'm 1.65 m. height and 72 kg weight) and my mom told me that if I stay in this shape, I will never find a boyfriend and no man will ask for my hand in marriage.” Finally, a mother issuing out some tough love. This highlights the truth that ugly people are less likely to get married than better looking people. For years now people have rated marriage as the number one contributor to their overall happiness. I could not help but to think of this as I saw this girl’s humungous rock on her left hand ring finger.

So what was the deal with this girl? She enjoyed financial stability, she was married, and she had friends to complain to. This highlights the last great truth. Hot chicks are whiny. Because hot chicks have more cash to spend they are going to fork out the money to see a shrink, thus contaminating the psychologist’s field of sampling.

Again, this article is not meant to complain. I along with my beautiful friends will continue enjoying higher earnings, and some day marriage to a beautiful gal. While the homely will weep in their sweat pants and dream of their prince charming never to come, and also indulge into Jet Puff marshmallows that were bought with food stamps. That’s the truth, and that’s justice!

This is what the two futures may look like respectively:

 Yours untruly, because I am my own

Benjamin Williams

Burning Homes = Burning Economy

When asked about what the biggest concern is for our country right now a heavy majority answers the economy. Well, to be completely honest I do not even know what that means. What is the economy? What is a part of it and what is not? Are there more than one? I am guessing that when they say they are worried about the economy what they really mean is that they are pissed off because they have no cash, and the government can’t fix it. We have heard all sorts of ideas about how to fix it from the gold standard (because people have all sorts of surplus gold lying around…) from increasing government spending (as if we haven’t spent enough) or tax cuts for jet owners. (why in the world should they get a tax break, they have a jet?) So all these idea obviously are terrible. I am going to tell you how to fix the economy (the problem of not having cash) in less than five paragraphs.

The first step of a great economy for the buyer is having a free market. Literally. I am not talking about the bogus textbook crap your teacher talks about. I want to see a market where there is a bunch of free stuff. Where I can go get food, books, computers, guns, furniture and all that stuff for free. People complain that they do not have money, no problem, go to the free market and the word money will be like the word bomb in an airport. Yup, it would land you jail time.

Next, we could send all professional athletes to do a season of survivor. If there is one thing that made my blood boil this year it was the NBA lockout. The players are literally complaining that they don’t have enough cash. How many of those players grew up in urban areas playing street ball with chain nets and they did not even know what the phrase owner-player agreement meant. They played ball because they wanted to be thugs. Basketball already gave them a college education and now they are complaining, in these of all times, that their family finances are unstable. So we would send them to Kenya for a Mutumbo hosted season of survivor. I bet they wouldn’t miss their maids and butlers while eating raw giraffe, and bathing in a river of sewage. They talk about a lockout. We ought to lock them out of the country so they realize just how nice they have it.

Thirdly, we could beautify our communities by burning to the ground all unaesthetic structures, and rebuilding better looking ones. The burden of fixing the economy should undoubtedly be upon those who for too long have scarred our nation with their “unique architecture.” So if your house is an eye sore it will get a remodel by a great company called Flames Inc. I am the C.E.O. After the remodel you would have a mobile home, the ashes would be hauled away thus making it mobile, and you can start all over. Who doesn’t want a “re-do” nowadays? The stress of where to live, and how to keep your family safe would serve as a time of reflecting and strengthening. We have far too many pansies these days so don’t victimize yourself if you’re chosen. The demand for new houses would sky rocket, people would go back to work, people would have to ask for loans, people would stay in hotels and eat out because they have no other choice. Problem solved? Obviously.

So there you have it folks, a three step flawless plan. Establishing a truly free market, having Mutumbo host a season of Survivior in Kenya, and burning all the ugly buildings to the ground. I may not know what the economy is but these are undoubtedly the ways to fix it.

Here is an inspiring image that should have a subtitle below that says “hope for a brighter tomorrow”  

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams

GAYming

A while back a person I know asked me if I liked a certain game. I politely responded that I don’t play video games and I don’t like Nintendo.

When I told him that I didn’t like Nintendo he got a puzzled look on his face and said “that game is for X-Box.” Well sir, sorry I am not up to date on all the gaming lingo but by Nintendo I mean all the stupid virtual “reality” (oxymoron?) things that you waste your time and money on.

So this is going to be my letter to the gaming community. I know your smart and can beat me in nerd talk about graphics, gigahertz, megabytes and all that stuff which is meant to be a tool for us, not the topic of conversation. However, I have no respect for someone that can press the right buttons in the right sequence the fastest and thus “win” or “beat” the game.

In and of themselves video games are ok it’s the gamers that have problems. It’s like the opposite idea of hate the war not the warrior. My motto for life success is hate the gamer not the game.

Now, I am never guilty of stepping up on a pedestal and ranting out my opinions without regard to others. (okay, its actually what this blog is all about.) so here are the facts on the gaming community.

Most of them are addicts to anime porn. They spend so much time cooked up with headset and handset that they get upset, sexually. This frustration leads them to the neighboring world of cyber-sex.  But just like in real life they can’t handle real people relationships so they stick to the virtual and enchant themselves with virtual, drawn, divas. Anime porn addicts fall in between regular porn addicts and pedophiles in the dirt bag chain.

Gamers are what keep dermatologists in business. I think that every hard core gamer I have seen has severe acne. I imagine that as adults they still have their mother cook them microwave food as to not distract from their intense gaming session. All the foods they consume are oily, and when you don’t shower (which gamers obviously do not have time for, in their mind) acne is an inevitable result.

Have you ever had a good conversation with a gamer? Don’t worry, I haven’t either. Why are they terrible at normal person talk? I am guessing it is because the sight of a real face, and not an avatar, startles them. They spend out their time venting about Zelda to other gamers in 160 character phrases through abbreviations and acronyms, all this through instant messaging or over broadband calls on “live” (another oxymoron)The detriment of our current social scene is due to lack of communication skills, the world of gaming is by far the biggest promoter of non-verbal communication.

Now, the last point I want to hit on is the subject of gamer forums. What a pathetic tragedy that these things exist. Forums are bogus but a gamer forum is as pathetic as it gets. With all the time gamers spend gaming I would hope that when they are not, that they might go get some exercise or something. But no they go from call of duty, to the computer to talk about call of duty, back to call of duty. No one cares that you killed 8 soldiers with one grenade, or that you threw a hail mary, or that you beat the record on Mario kart. I went inside the first gamer forum that popped up on google and they actually had donation box. UGH! A donation box for such a bogus thing as a gamer forum. I was tempted to offer them 50 dollars to shut down. This means that people pay money to be able to talk about what would happen if bowser raped princess peach. How can gamers ask money from people when there are so many better causes to fight like AIDS and hunger. To close here are images of the world’s future sex offenders, who got their start by playing Grand Theft Auto:

If you want to end up like these ^ all you have to do is pick up a Nintendo paddle, and yes that means x-box too.

Yours untruly, cause  I am my own

Benjamin Williams