The Hunter Indictment

Hello faithful readers,

Sorry it has been a while since I have visited the important topics of the day like, marriage, child care, and light bulb regulations. Today I will steer a little from my normal political dialogue and will attempt to indict some sport enthusiasts of a specific sport. Now, I would not normally do this but I was particularly irked by a man wearing a rather offensive t shirt. His t shirt stated “if it can’t kill you, it’s not a sport!” it was a particularly distasteful graphic t with an image of a large animal on it. His shirt basically implied that if I don’t like walking around in the mountains trying to shoot animals, I am not an athlete of any kind. So kind sir I saw in a parking lot this is my indictment of hunters like you, particularly hunters who wear hunting t shirts in attempt to show that they have more testosterone than the rest of us. Oh, and by the way, if you have not heard there have been multiple deaths in the U.S. due to the heat wave. So I guess not drinking enough water, and over exposure to the sun is the latest sport because there have been fatalities. Guess that means drunk driving and border hopping are also sports. Can’t wait for the London games to see who gets the gold in gangsterism. Tragic they won’t be alive to hear their national anthem or get the gold medal to sell, and by rocks with the cash.

Now let’s examine a couple classic hunter tees and see what they tell us about this man I saw in the parking lot, who so selfishly discounted everyone else’s sport. This guy must be a star athlete from these shirts I found.

Well, from this shirt it appears that their sport is strictly for the unemployed, I get the picture now. Were he to have a job he could buy food like the rest of us but he plays a sport for jobless people. This must be a top notch group of people, a bunch of unemployed people with guns. Sounds like I am describing Detroit but really it’s just hunterville. It’s true they have white collar jobs and blue collar jobs but these folks’ necks are red and we all know there aren’t red collar jobs.

Now that we have established that hunters don’t work let’s move onto the next point. Hmm they are alcoholics. This really must be a dangerous sport, a bunch of hungry unemployed people with guns scared me enough, but get a little alcohol in there and things get even worse. This shirt also tells us another key attribute of hunters. We know they don’t work yet this shirt mentions money. How would someone with no job get money? They are either claiming unemployment to feed their hunting habit or they are thieves and rob money. So far we have established that they are unemployed, alcoholics, and thieves. Sounds like they are stunning athletes to me. But I don’t put my life on the line very often so I might not be a good judge.

I was wondering why hunters were unemployed and I did not have to look very far to find the answer. It seems that hunters are 80 percent numerically illiterate. They only recognize the number 3 and 0 as shown by this shirt. I imagine they recognize these numbers because they have three beers every hour and have zero percent chance of being contributing members of society. I hate to break it to you but I could not hire someone that responded “deer thirty” when asked the time.

I was under the illusion that hunters were proactive in defending the second amendment mainly because they wanted to defend their families in times of danger but such is not the case. This shirt breaks my heart. I imagine a nice country girl asking for more time with her husband and this man just walks out. Hunters obviously abandon their families to go spend time with animals, where I come from that’s called bestiality but I guess that’s just normal hunter life.

 Oh look speaking of bestiality they beat me to it, here they openly embrace their passion for animals, not only are they animal killers but now animal rapists as well.

So there we have it folks, a class A group of people. Unemployed, gun toting, alcoholic, thieving, numerically illiterate, family abandoning, and participants of bestiality. This to me sounds not like a healthy athlete who spends time in the weight room, practicing plays, eating healthily, and promoting child athletic programs. Instead this sounds like a state prison. So to the man in the parking lot who suggested the rest of are sub par athletes because there is no risk of losing our life I reject your statement and your own t shirts show that hunters are far from athletic or even productive, quality people. Instead they show the opposite. Hunterville is Compton for white folks.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams

So, the 112^th congress is outstanding. For those of you who have listened to the news lately I am sure you have heard about congress and the president are talking about the debt ceiling. They both know it needs to be raised but they want to make a deal to lower government debt. The reason they need to increase the limit is so that they can pay their bills. For example, pay people from congress members to post office janitors. If they fail to raise the debt limit the U.S. government will default on their payments for the first time in history. It is the equivalent of one of us not paying our car loan or mortgage payment. Now we all know that it is not financially sound to default. If we don’t pay our debts than the loaner can charge interest and it becomes much harder debt to eliminate. So with this challenge, the challenge of the country plunging into economic turmoil and making huge tsunami type waves in the global economy and affecting the interest rate you and I pay, this wonderful congress is feeling the urgency of the situation. Yesterday they were scheduled to vote on light bulb regulations. What!?! This is from the Huffington Post:  “WASHINGTON -- The House of Representatives will vote Tuesday on whether to repeal light bulb efficiency standards that are set to take effect at the beginning of 2012, with some lawmakers arguing such regulations amount to an assault on personal freedom.”

Is it just me or do you see multiple things wrong with this scenario? For starters what the crap are they talking about light bulbs for when our country is literally days away from a financial crisis and a solution seems unlikely at best. Second whoever says that light bulb choice as we know it is restrictive of freedom I invite you to go to home depot to the light bulb section. I just did a search on google for light bulb store and the first result said “30,000 light bulbs to choose from” I would love to see someone sit and go through all thirty thousand of the different types of light bulbs. If anything government should do more to make that choice easier, I don’t have time to compare and contrast that many light bulbs.

Like I said from the beginning I have a better head on my shoulders than the 435 members of the house.The above image does not represent congress because they obviously have not had the epiphany that they have better things to talk about with their limited time. I realize that it is financially unwise to default on my payments. I also know that if I am facing a financial crisis that will affect the majority of americans in a negative way than I should quit equivocating about the difference between 60 and 120 watt light bulbs. Oh, and I doubt congress will care much about light bulbs once they have no light bulbs to turn on due to failure of payment to the electrical company.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams

Six Year Old Adults

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Combatting Communism

We recently celebrated what many call “Americas Birthday” and it’s an inadequate title. Incorrect too. Every decent student of History knows that America was truly born September 17, 1789. I think it iconic of who we have become that we celebrate the formal declaration of war and not the cultivating event for which we fought the war. But then again that’s American Politics. If I am not pro war I am a communist, or nowadays a terrorist. One sec, the doorbell rang I think Sen. McCarthy showed up with a subpoena.

I must tell you I truly love the Fourth of July. I love fried chicken and root beer. I enjoy fireworks especially when I live in a state that makes more fireworks legal as part of an effort to get people to spend more money. I am proud to say that I live in a country where even in a downturn many households still spend the amount of money on fireworks that residents of a third world country could use to pay their rent. Or in extreme cases live for a month. Now, one thing I am not proud about is the fact that we have Fourth of July parades. And that people go to watch them. Allow me to examine a common Fourth of July Parade. For starters everyone looks the same. People must think and say, I want to be patriotic so somehow wearing a combination of colors screams patriot. Thus I will wear red, white and blue. Upon arrival they realize that everyone had the same idea and it makes them happy to be in such good company of fellow anti- communist patriots. So to start the parade they have some announcer with a “booming” voice that gets everyone excited for the most anticlimactic thing to ever happen. Really trying to hype someone up for a parade is harder then hyping up a convicted felon for ten years behind bars. Especially cause they try to get you excited before the sun is up. So once the crappy announcer gets done they damage your ears with something worse High school music bands slaughtering the star spangled banner. All the while wearing super homosexual outfits and hats that make them look like Indians. I would prefer sitting in a convention for the hearing impaired and listen to them make an attempt at speaking. So after the mockery of America’s national song we get advertised to. We watch float after float pass by and all of them are advertisements. If I want to see commercials I can turn on my TV. There is no need to leave my comfy bed at 3:00 a.m. just to go find out that McDonalds has a value menu. I found this picture on the internet of classic patriotic advertising.

If you’re like me you did not know what Au Pair was and so I did some research. Au pair is an agency that provides live in child care, and they focus on the caretaker being international so that the family and the child receiving the care get a cultural experience. This is as American as it gets. Parents, too lazy or career centered to tend to your family responsibilities? Pay someone else to do it. I just saw a special for Utah and they charge very low prices only 322 dollars a week and that is with a discount. Are you serious? Now I get the picture. They have a Middle Eastern woman/belly dancer, a black lady, and a few homely white ladies as well. I figure that a scantily clad belly dancer is the best option for my child’s baby sitter. And people are asking why teen pregnancies are high.  So after I sit through stupid advertisemnets encouraging me to trust my children with women that work at escort services the good part comes the candy. You want to know what I got the last parade I went to? A pine tree as tall as my forearm and then I was supposed to plant it. What kind of sucky scandal is that? I wake up super early for a pine tree that dies that same year.

Ok now that I have waken up super early, listened to my national anthem butchered by 17 year olds, watched subliminal sex ads targeted at my children, and received my pine tree to help mother earth I am finally ready to leave the exciting freedom parade. So I pack up my blanket and walk super far to my car only for another great surprise. Traffic. However, traffic should not be that bad. I mean a bunch of fellow patriots just got together to celebrate freedom and now we are fraternal in our love of patriotic ideals like the patriot act so I am optimistic. Wait someone is honking, man that’s jacked up someone sped passed me and flipped me off. I never imagined that road rage would penetrate a group of people with such strong love for their country. I mean, they were wearing red, white and blue and now they are yelling at me, their fellow comrade in the fight against freedom haters. But in the end I don’t question their loyalty because as I see them speed off after nearly hitting me I see a god bless the usa bumper sticker and I realize that I could never get mad at a fellow American much less a fellow Christian. After all were I to criticize him my loyalty would be questioned and they would put labels on me like un-American. You and I both know that it is not true because I went to a fourth of july parade and that my friends is patriotism at its finest!

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Ben Williams  



Un Update on my Condition

To me the news is very important, I try to keep up with it as much as a I can. In my first post I sarcastically saluted doctors for giving a name to a medical condition of someone who is in love with themselves. They must have read my post and realized that it is silly to call people that love themselves sick. This excerpt recently appeared in the New York Times.

"The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (due out in 2013, and known as DSM-5) has eliminated five of the 10 personality disorders that are listed in the current edition.
Narcissistic personality disorder is the most well-known of the five, and its absence has caused the most stir in professional circles."

If you are are wondering if I find it surprising that the medical world and the New York Times are publishing things like this, undoubtedly in an effort to keep up with me and my whopping five followers, I do not find it surprising at all. I expected and still expect things like this to happen. I must admit an article like this is very fulfilling to my already over inflated ego. Indeed it is like a sweet dose of oxycotton for my narcissism.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Ben Williams         

A critique of a Critic

So I have been out of the country for two years and I want to see a great movie. Naturally I look up movie critics online to see what multimillion dollar profit maker I want to throw more money at. I figure that with so much poverty I better help the people at the top. It’s a play from Ronald Reagan’s playbook. So the first website that comes up is a site that is directed by some clown named Roger Ebert. This guy literally is worse than a thumbtack in my foot. He makes me cringe. I feel that in order for you to understand me you have to see this guy, he makes Dirk Nowizki look like someone that should be on GQ.

Let me talk about this guy for a sec. After seeing the picture I now know why he chose a movie critic as his career. No business or agency would hire this guy. He would literally screw up your business more than AIG screwed over the world economy. I mean I must complement the guy, he dressed up with a crappily folded red suit pocket handkerchief. Perfect to match the tie he is not wearing. I don’t think he can wear a neck tie because he already has a disgustingly huge white neck brace holding his head in place. So to go with his incredibly classy navy blue blazer with brass buttons (by the way those went out with the polo shirt jean tuck-in at the end of the nineties) he chose khaki colored pants. This guy rips into movies that have over-expressed settings and stories and then he chooses a navy blue blazer with khaki pants. His style suggests that he likes to mock cliché Hollywood films but loves to “dress down” to typical blue blazer and khaki pant never under-used business casual when he snuggles up to watch a movie that at most is %80 worth his time. Hypocrisy would be one of his chief attributes. The last thing I would like to draw your attention to, besides his bull dog like jowls is his incredibly enthused thumbs up. I highly doubt he is giving the positive gesture to a movie because he literally hates 95 percent of all movies. I imagine this creep is giving the thumbs up to his slovokian mail order bride as she prepares him dinner in a dress that comes to the middle of her unshaved thighs.

Ok, so you might be wondering why I would attack this guy so strongly, and I promise that if you go to his site and read one of his reviews you will be right with me. This is how he began his review of transformers. “Michael Bay's "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" is a visually ugly film with an incoherent plot, wooden characters and inane dialog. It provided me with one of the more unpleasant experiences I've had at the movies” Really Mr. Ebert? It’s not like people spent time thinking about the movie. Its not like the actors had many sleepless nights trying to memorize lines and thinking how to play the part. This movie probably started as a dream that some 5 year old kid had for what would make a great movie and now you come out trying to crush the kid’s hopes. You may say that when a man reaches maturity we quit finding joy in explosions and toys but it would not be true. Look at the defense department, they blow billions of dollars to see explosions and buy cool toys and they show all their neat stuff to the president, who is black so his sense of "cool" is impeccable. But hey if you don’t like it you can go smoke a cigar and read Shakespeare like the grade A moron you are. I think it tragic that a whole industry devotes themselves to tearing down other peoples work.


To not waste your time and have you go to his site, I will tell you that of the 74 movies he reviewed zero got five stars and three got four. The three were: The tree of life, Putty hill, and Bill Cunningham New York. I would estimate that more than half got one or two stars. This guy is begging me to not go to the movies. He literally should come out with a general overall statement that says all movies suck, stick to the classics. And of his elect three I have not heard of any of them. I would trust Helen keller more to tell me what movie to see. So hats off to you Mr Egbert. Instead of encouraging me to go see an exciting new film you got me to write a piece on why movie critics are what are wrong with America.  Especially movie critics who sit at home giving thumbs up looking like a pampered quadriplegic. So roger, if I ever see you at the movies I will make sure to dump my coca cola on you.

Your’s untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams