A Narcissist's View of the 99%

The occupy movement is making waves, whether you like it or hate it. I can’t decide what I think of it, some days I think it’s great that there is actual some civic participation but other days I just wish I could tell them to get a day job. So instead of going through the mess of trying to figure it out I will just stand back and make fun of both sides. It’s as if both sides have betrayed their governing philosophies. Let me explain.

Liberal America is known as America’s minority party, it is the party that has fought for title nine and affirmative action, they have been the face of so many actions to give increased rights to minority groups be it eskimos, homosexuals, seniors, immigrants. All of these "liberals" sit around in coffee shops talking about how white men have trampled over everyone and stripped them of their minority rights. That is why it is so confusing that they are actually for once fighting for the 99 percent. They have betrayed their motto of minority rule with majority rights, I mean majority rule with minority privileges, no that’s not it either. Oh, majority rule with minority rights. Shouldn’t the party that allows disproportionate amounts of money and funding go to minority groups be entirely ok with the minority running off with loads of cash and the rest of us getting left with the bill? They make all this talk of the Jewish people making all the money but they should be fine with that, surely Jews are a minority group and in these days it is critical that we “stand with Israel”

Now lets look at Wall Street’s reaction. These are the people that spend their loads of minority cash on congressmen and lobbyists trying to “deregulate the market” code term for reregulate it to my favor. They are the champions of free markets and they have failed to capitalize on a huge market right under their noses. Undoubtedly the large minority of those folks are hippies and weirdos. I would hypothesize that the sell and use of marijuana and other mind altering substance abounds there at the park. Why are they not championing this market? They should be the first ones to try and deregulate this market and enter it, buy a congressional committee to help them monopolize it, inflate the values of its shares owned by employees and then sell it right before it tumbles—that is the Wall Street way. Except we should let them crash once so we can bail them out; giving investors the illusion that America won’t let this market collapse.

If I were a true wall street capitalist I would set up in the park with a table selling drug paraphernalia, contraceptives, and colored bandanas. Surely these are the iconic things of the movement.

But alas, I have finished my cup of Starbucks hot cocoa. I have supported another giant corporation with a stereo-typically anti Wall Street group of people and now I must go to my day job. God bless America and her ever tricky marketing schemes.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams 

Webster’s Frankenstein

     This is a guest post by a friend of mine, a little bit different style than myself but the insights are funny.

     

     It is my first obligation to thank my dear friend, Ben, for inviting me to guest write on his blog, which I have found to be as scathing, clever, and unblinkingly logical as the man himself. Despite the fact that Ben stubbornly refuses to acknowledge the validity of my revolutionary philosophies (i.e. Canadians are simply Americans without guns; Zero divided by zero is equal to one; Obama is in truth an android sent by an interstellar race of socialist weasels to pave the way for future invasion, etc…), I have always been well acquainted with his quick wit, staunch character, and relentless need to observe and understand his environment- qualities which never cease to remain in great demand and in low supply. It is also true that we endured a particularly horrific brand of hell together, for which I daresay we are bonded for life.

            But I seriously doubt I was invited to write for Ben’s blog to boost his ego. I’m sure it’s healthy enough as it is. So allow me to present to you a scene which occurs far, far in the future. In this distant age, electronics have replaced writing and speech, becoming the only avenue of human communication. As such, John Doe texts his brother Jacob to inform him of some bad news:

            “OMFG dood mom got canser :( docter ses she only got a yeer if ur in town soon u gotta com see her”

            As you can see, punctuation, sentence structure, grammar, spelling- all are utterly obsolete in America’s future. This might be a stretch for the brain to imagine, except that this distant future is set to arrive in the spring of 2012, when our newest batch of high school seniors will be graduating. That’s right, the verbal SAT scores are the lowest they have been since 1972, the earliest recorded year available for comparison. The same year, mind you, that the hysterical post-hippie drug binge depicted in “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” was printed.

            What happened? It would be understandable (and partly justifiable) to point the finger at the legislative abomination, the “No Child Left Behind Act.” And yet, this would ignore the revolution which has been growing beneath our noses so quickly that Vladimir Lenin would hang himself in humiliation. It’s called technology, otherwise known as the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse.

            Now, understand, I’m a bit of an elitist when it comes to language. I am meticulous, perhaps even obsessive about using correct, appropriately punctuated sentences when texting or emailing. As such, I seethe in hatred when I see “OMG” or “lol!” glaring up at me from the screen of my phone. I’m the guy who ridicules his friends for using “your” when they should have used “you’re.” But this problem goes far beyond that: you are lucky to even get the y and the o before the u these days. This tech-language is fostered on Facebook, on World of Warcraft, on just about every teenage phone throughout the country. And it is the process by which smart people (the guys who engineer the technology) have lobotomized America’s teenagers, whose minds are already swimming in hormones and inferior intellect as it is. It is no coincidence, then, that a 21st century population of vegetables is butchering a test written and coordinated by a 20th century population of humans.

            The aforementioned vegetables will soon be flooding the universities, where, no doubt, their papers will return to them soggy with red ink. But at this point, nothing can be done to stem the damage being done to the English language. Young people are not graded on the correctness of their text messages and status updates. Left to themselves they will revel gleefully in their shared stupidity; their very DNA will degrade upon realizing it no longer serves a human host- DNA that will inevitably be passed on to increasingly tragic children. When our more fortunate generation dies off, these poor fools will populate Congress, practice medicine, and manage the economy.

This is, for all intents and purposes, the end of civilization as we know it.

For language is not just communication, it is the medium through which we exchange ideas, cooperate, and express vision. It is, on any account, the means by which we think. Of course, language changes forms. It is after all, highly unlikely that we would be able to carry much of a conversation with the men who penned “Hamlet” or the Declaration of Independence, but we can all agree that they were intelligent men who possessed brains. When that brain is a hive of radiowave induced tumors, however, when that brain descends mindlessly into recitation of binary code and incoherent slop, I’m sure Darwin will be not far off with his iPad, tweeting “wtf guys! the end is really really close!”

Modern Day Socrates

Last night I saw a news clip about UVU having the largest student body in Utah. They boasted their 60 bachelor degrees and open enrollment and had the president talk a bit about the university. I must admit; it at least gave me an excuse to pretend to be enthusiastic about studying at UVU. My respect for Universities is paramount, because of their noble quest to spread truth among youth. All of this was drained instantly when I saw an advertisement informing me that Robert Hastings would be addressing UVU students, the event is sponsored by the student association.

For those of you who don’t know, Robert Hastings is the “leading voice on UFO’s.”

Yup, that’s right. My student association, the body of people that represents me, is going to expend money to hear the leading voice on UFO’s. I along with the 35,000 students boasted about in last night’s news will be forced to expend a portion of our tuition money to sponsor a blabbering idiot talk about green dudes in circular space ships that are one hundred percent set on blowing Earth into a billion pieces. Mark Twain was a genius when he differentiated between schooling and education. While philosophy teachers are teaching us that Socrates was put to death for “corrupting the youth” while in reality laying the foundation of modern political science and philosophy the student body is busy sponsoring, and adding to the riches, of a man who the charge of corrupting the youth, however bogus it is, should reasonably be leveled against.

I can see the headlines now. “Utah valley obsessed with Mitt Romney, God, and Aliens.” Utah Mormons think the first two are the same so to add to the third one is a consequential blow to their identity.      

I am ashamed for two reasons. The first is that such a voice can even develop in America the world’s supposed hub of academic thinking and finding the truth. The second being that Utah’s largest student body and the one I am a part of is going to propel the veil of stupidity this guy is draping over American college student’s eyes. How can this university expect an alumni to become a reputable voice in science, medicine, journalism, or politics if they are dedicating their time and money to studying aliens.

 I bet if a candidate were to espouse a belief in UFO’s they would be more ignored than Ron Paul, and that is saying something. So UVUSA, quit bringing me idiots that tell me my intergalactic future is doomed and bring me someone that has something good to say.

Yours untruly, because I am my own

Benjamin Williams

Meteorology: The Study of Uselessness

     Would you rather highlight and annotate the U.S. tax code or watch the weather channel? Obviously the first one. If the church is God's kingdom over the earth the weather channel is Satan's. Indeed weather forecasts can accurately be considered hell by all definitions of the word. I youtubed weather videos and there were far too many to look through all of them but I watched the funny ones and they were terrible. Hint: if something sucks even when it is supposed to be funny, the topic should be eliminated from society. 

     Now, many will say that the weather forecast is important and for them I have a question. Why? it is not hard to tell you that it will be sunny in July or cold in November. But the weatherman does not even do that, instead he says it in bogus code that not even the CIA can decipher such as..."from the northwest we can see a medium high-pressure system and the inversion caused by the canyon will effect temperatures." By the time most Americans have figured out which way is northwest the dude, with his classless weatherman style, is waving his hands this way and that way trying to get us excited about something that is literally right outside our door. So, if you want to know the weather don't bother supporting the cult of meteorology; rather, look outside and boom you have the weather!

     Below is a video that makes c-span seem like a godsend. It had the subtitle "some interesting weather on tap here after a boring summer..." newsflash: the weather is NEVER interesting. The cult of weathermen poses a greater threat to America than the left wing socialist nut jobs who want to infiltrate this country and turn it communist and watch it go down in flames because the weathermen are actually real. Only 2 percent of people will get that joke I just made but it IS funny. So if you want suicidal thought flooding your brain watch the clip. 

Yours untruly, cause I am my own
Benjamin Williams

Bigoted Bake Sale? Hardly.

I recently signed up for emails from a site called Groupon. They email me a daily coupon for my area every day. There are a ton of sites out there like this that make coupons available to people. It does not require a genius to tell you that most people like to pay less cash for things. It might however stump some people UC Berkeley; known as the nation’s most “liberal” university.

Let me explain. An association of students is organizing a phone bank to call California senators urging them to consider race and gender when extending admission letters to applying students. This comes in response to a proposition passed by voters last year that makes this practice known as affirmative action illegal in the state of California. Undoubtedly this association of students is highly ethnic.  What they want is for school administration boards to prefer women and people of ethnic backgrounds in comparison to their racist, bigoted, oppressive white male counterparts. In essence they want special treatment.

A group of college republicans gave them just that in an event so untactful and politically incorrect that republicans had to be attached to it. But it is hilarious because of the satire, and the response it has drawn from people on both sides of the debate.

They decided to hold a bake sale and the price of the pastries depended upon the race and gender of the customer. A white person got a pastry for two dollars, an Asian for a wun doler fity cents. Los mexicanos get them for 10 pesos, or one dollar, while dem black folks be payin in pure silver, 75 cents. The indian population: one pastry= twenty five cents and were all left saying “how”. Women will receive a quarter off the racial price, which means like one commentator said “Pocahontas will drive off with a truck full of pastries” because the pastries are free for Native American women. Isn’t that brilliant? Making prices reflect the difficulty of getting into college. So here is the head scratcher, the ethnic community is appalled at the bake sale. If anyone should be appalled it’s the white man; but for some reason supporters of affirmative action are pissed that they have to pay less for a pastry.

So here we have a bunch of college students that definitely don’t understand the idea of justice. The white population will resign under fears of being labeled a racist and pay the two bucks, and the rest will be protesting a discount. They go to one of America’s finest institutions and they are protesting a discount, they shouldn’t be there.

Poll: what would you do in this situation?

As a white man my plan of action would be the following: go straight to the international student center and become friends with all the non-white women I could find and I would give them cash to buy me pastries.

If I were a true American with an ethnic background however, I would capitalize on this in the following way. Lets say I am latino. I would gather my crew and offer the white folks a pastry for a buck fifty, I would pay the dollar for the pastry at the latino rate and pocket the fifty cents. I would make money off of someone else’s bake sale! That, my friends is the American dream and its exclusively available to the ethnic community, so why are they protesting?

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams

The Road to Prosperity: Being Gorgeous

I recently heard a middle aged women complain to her fellow female allies about the stresses of being “good looking.” At first I was very happy to know that there was other conceded people out there like me and I could immediately relate to on both levels—that is of being attractive, and also being conceded. However, she went on to explain that her “shrink” or psychologist had actually done an informal study. He told her that from his experience he noted that generally good looking people have more problems their average or not-so-good looking counter parts. Needless to say my respect for this dame waned instantly. I personally knew the logic was false because in my own life there is a drastic contradiction. I am a good looking person (obviously) yet I would never describe my life as problematic. Theory debunked right? Well for some of you I realize that you will need more than my experience to be convinced. Oh, and if you felt your heart jump out in agreement at the idea that better looking people have it harder, you might want to quit reading this right now.

Now, I understand that it is impossible to measure happiness but it is possible to measure some factors that can contribute greatly. Let us start with the obvious, money. Good looking people enjoy an earnings benefit over ugly people. For women, a study shows, that a “5” or above on the ten point scale (p.s. I am guiltless in utilizing a rating system that measures the physical beauty of a human being.) will enjoy 8 percent higher earnings than their homely counterparts. Undoubtedly some of you are saying something like “oh, that’s because better looking people are more intelligent or harder working.” Think of the cheerleader stereotype…it, like all stereotypes, exist for a reason. Now, just so you all of you know I am not opposed to this; I have been an advocate for an ugly tax for years and this is the equivalent.  I am however, using this to demonstrate that as far as money goes the ugly have it worse. Thank goodness for my great genetics.

I imagine that most people do not find excess weight attractive. I know there are a few, and they belong in fetish chat rooms. This, along with shortness or extreme tones of skin. Here is something I found from yahoo answers that is not only hilarious but resiliently truthful. “I am a 27 years old fat girl (I'm 1.65 m. height and 72 kg weight) and my mom told me that if I stay in this shape, I will never find a boyfriend and no man will ask for my hand in marriage.” Finally, a mother issuing out some tough love. This highlights the truth that ugly people are less likely to get married than better looking people. For years now people have rated marriage as the number one contributor to their overall happiness. I could not help but to think of this as I saw this girl’s humungous rock on her left hand ring finger.

So what was the deal with this girl? She enjoyed financial stability, she was married, and she had friends to complain to. This highlights the last great truth. Hot chicks are whiny. Because hot chicks have more cash to spend they are going to fork out the money to see a shrink, thus contaminating the psychologist’s field of sampling.

Again, this article is not meant to complain. I along with my beautiful friends will continue enjoying higher earnings, and some day marriage to a beautiful gal. While the homely will weep in their sweat pants and dream of their prince charming never to come, and also indulge into Jet Puff marshmallows that were bought with food stamps. That’s the truth, and that’s justice!

This is what the two futures may look like respectively:

 Yours untruly, because I am my own

Benjamin Williams

Burning Homes = Burning Economy

When asked about what the biggest concern is for our country right now a heavy majority answers the economy. Well, to be completely honest I do not even know what that means. What is the economy? What is a part of it and what is not? Are there more than one? I am guessing that when they say they are worried about the economy what they really mean is that they are pissed off because they have no cash, and the government can’t fix it. We have heard all sorts of ideas about how to fix it from the gold standard (because people have all sorts of surplus gold lying around…) from increasing government spending (as if we haven’t spent enough) or tax cuts for jet owners. (why in the world should they get a tax break, they have a jet?) So all these idea obviously are terrible. I am going to tell you how to fix the economy (the problem of not having cash) in less than five paragraphs.

The first step of a great economy for the buyer is having a free market. Literally. I am not talking about the bogus textbook crap your teacher talks about. I want to see a market where there is a bunch of free stuff. Where I can go get food, books, computers, guns, furniture and all that stuff for free. People complain that they do not have money, no problem, go to the free market and the word money will be like the word bomb in an airport. Yup, it would land you jail time.

Next, we could send all professional athletes to do a season of survivor. If there is one thing that made my blood boil this year it was the NBA lockout. The players are literally complaining that they don’t have enough cash. How many of those players grew up in urban areas playing street ball with chain nets and they did not even know what the phrase owner-player agreement meant. They played ball because they wanted to be thugs. Basketball already gave them a college education and now they are complaining, in these of all times, that their family finances are unstable. So we would send them to Kenya for a Mutumbo hosted season of survivor. I bet they wouldn’t miss their maids and butlers while eating raw giraffe, and bathing in a river of sewage. They talk about a lockout. We ought to lock them out of the country so they realize just how nice they have it.

Thirdly, we could beautify our communities by burning to the ground all unaesthetic structures, and rebuilding better looking ones. The burden of fixing the economy should undoubtedly be upon those who for too long have scarred our nation with their “unique architecture.” So if your house is an eye sore it will get a remodel by a great company called Flames Inc. I am the C.E.O. After the remodel you would have a mobile home, the ashes would be hauled away thus making it mobile, and you can start all over. Who doesn’t want a “re-do” nowadays? The stress of where to live, and how to keep your family safe would serve as a time of reflecting and strengthening. We have far too many pansies these days so don’t victimize yourself if you’re chosen. The demand for new houses would sky rocket, people would go back to work, people would have to ask for loans, people would stay in hotels and eat out because they have no other choice. Problem solved? Obviously.

So there you have it folks, a three step flawless plan. Establishing a truly free market, having Mutumbo host a season of Survivior in Kenya, and burning all the ugly buildings to the ground. I may not know what the economy is but these are undoubtedly the ways to fix it.

Here is an inspiring image that should have a subtitle below that says “hope for a brighter tomorrow”  

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams