A Narcissist's View of the 99%

The occupy movement is making waves, whether you like it or hate it. I can’t decide what I think of it, some days I think it’s great that there is actual some civic participation but other days I just wish I could tell them to get a day job. So instead of going through the mess of trying to figure it out I will just stand back and make fun of both sides. It’s as if both sides have betrayed their governing philosophies. Let me explain.

Liberal America is known as America’s minority party, it is the party that has fought for title nine and affirmative action, they have been the face of so many actions to give increased rights to minority groups be it eskimos, homosexuals, seniors, immigrants. All of these "liberals" sit around in coffee shops talking about how white men have trampled over everyone and stripped them of their minority rights. That is why it is so confusing that they are actually for once fighting for the 99 percent. They have betrayed their motto of minority rule with majority rights, I mean majority rule with minority privileges, no that’s not it either. Oh, majority rule with minority rights. Shouldn’t the party that allows disproportionate amounts of money and funding go to minority groups be entirely ok with the minority running off with loads of cash and the rest of us getting left with the bill? They make all this talk of the Jewish people making all the money but they should be fine with that, surely Jews are a minority group and in these days it is critical that we “stand with Israel”

Now lets look at Wall Street’s reaction. These are the people that spend their loads of minority cash on congressmen and lobbyists trying to “deregulate the market” code term for reregulate it to my favor. They are the champions of free markets and they have failed to capitalize on a huge market right under their noses. Undoubtedly the large minority of those folks are hippies and weirdos. I would hypothesize that the sell and use of marijuana and other mind altering substance abounds there at the park. Why are they not championing this market? They should be the first ones to try and deregulate this market and enter it, buy a congressional committee to help them monopolize it, inflate the values of its shares owned by employees and then sell it right before it tumbles—that is the Wall Street way. Except we should let them crash once so we can bail them out; giving investors the illusion that America won’t let this market collapse.

If I were a true wall street capitalist I would set up in the park with a table selling drug paraphernalia, contraceptives, and colored bandanas. Surely these are the iconic things of the movement.

But alas, I have finished my cup of Starbucks hot cocoa. I have supported another giant corporation with a stereo-typically anti Wall Street group of people and now I must go to my day job. God bless America and her ever tricky marketing schemes.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams 

Webster’s Frankenstein

     This is a guest post by a friend of mine, a little bit different style than myself but the insights are funny.

     

     It is my first obligation to thank my dear friend, Ben, for inviting me to guest write on his blog, which I have found to be as scathing, clever, and unblinkingly logical as the man himself. Despite the fact that Ben stubbornly refuses to acknowledge the validity of my revolutionary philosophies (i.e. Canadians are simply Americans without guns; Zero divided by zero is equal to one; Obama is in truth an android sent by an interstellar race of socialist weasels to pave the way for future invasion, etc…), I have always been well acquainted with his quick wit, staunch character, and relentless need to observe and understand his environment- qualities which never cease to remain in great demand and in low supply. It is also true that we endured a particularly horrific brand of hell together, for which I daresay we are bonded for life.

            But I seriously doubt I was invited to write for Ben’s blog to boost his ego. I’m sure it’s healthy enough as it is. So allow me to present to you a scene which occurs far, far in the future. In this distant age, electronics have replaced writing and speech, becoming the only avenue of human communication. As such, John Doe texts his brother Jacob to inform him of some bad news:

            “OMFG dood mom got canser :( docter ses she only got a yeer if ur in town soon u gotta com see her”

            As you can see, punctuation, sentence structure, grammar, spelling- all are utterly obsolete in America’s future. This might be a stretch for the brain to imagine, except that this distant future is set to arrive in the spring of 2012, when our newest batch of high school seniors will be graduating. That’s right, the verbal SAT scores are the lowest they have been since 1972, the earliest recorded year available for comparison. The same year, mind you, that the hysterical post-hippie drug binge depicted in “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” was printed.

            What happened? It would be understandable (and partly justifiable) to point the finger at the legislative abomination, the “No Child Left Behind Act.” And yet, this would ignore the revolution which has been growing beneath our noses so quickly that Vladimir Lenin would hang himself in humiliation. It’s called technology, otherwise known as the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse.

            Now, understand, I’m a bit of an elitist when it comes to language. I am meticulous, perhaps even obsessive about using correct, appropriately punctuated sentences when texting or emailing. As such, I seethe in hatred when I see “OMG” or “lol!” glaring up at me from the screen of my phone. I’m the guy who ridicules his friends for using “your” when they should have used “you’re.” But this problem goes far beyond that: you are lucky to even get the y and the o before the u these days. This tech-language is fostered on Facebook, on World of Warcraft, on just about every teenage phone throughout the country. And it is the process by which smart people (the guys who engineer the technology) have lobotomized America’s teenagers, whose minds are already swimming in hormones and inferior intellect as it is. It is no coincidence, then, that a 21st century population of vegetables is butchering a test written and coordinated by a 20th century population of humans.

            The aforementioned vegetables will soon be flooding the universities, where, no doubt, their papers will return to them soggy with red ink. But at this point, nothing can be done to stem the damage being done to the English language. Young people are not graded on the correctness of their text messages and status updates. Left to themselves they will revel gleefully in their shared stupidity; their very DNA will degrade upon realizing it no longer serves a human host- DNA that will inevitably be passed on to increasingly tragic children. When our more fortunate generation dies off, these poor fools will populate Congress, practice medicine, and manage the economy.

This is, for all intents and purposes, the end of civilization as we know it.

For language is not just communication, it is the medium through which we exchange ideas, cooperate, and express vision. It is, on any account, the means by which we think. Of course, language changes forms. It is after all, highly unlikely that we would be able to carry much of a conversation with the men who penned “Hamlet” or the Declaration of Independence, but we can all agree that they were intelligent men who possessed brains. When that brain is a hive of radiowave induced tumors, however, when that brain descends mindlessly into recitation of binary code and incoherent slop, I’m sure Darwin will be not far off with his iPad, tweeting “wtf guys! the end is really really close!”

Modern Day Socrates

Last night I saw a news clip about UVU having the largest student body in Utah. They boasted their 60 bachelor degrees and open enrollment and had the president talk a bit about the university. I must admit; it at least gave me an excuse to pretend to be enthusiastic about studying at UVU. My respect for Universities is paramount, because of their noble quest to spread truth among youth. All of this was drained instantly when I saw an advertisement informing me that Robert Hastings would be addressing UVU students, the event is sponsored by the student association.

For those of you who don’t know, Robert Hastings is the “leading voice on UFO’s.”

Yup, that’s right. My student association, the body of people that represents me, is going to expend money to hear the leading voice on UFO’s. I along with the 35,000 students boasted about in last night’s news will be forced to expend a portion of our tuition money to sponsor a blabbering idiot talk about green dudes in circular space ships that are one hundred percent set on blowing Earth into a billion pieces. Mark Twain was a genius when he differentiated between schooling and education. While philosophy teachers are teaching us that Socrates was put to death for “corrupting the youth” while in reality laying the foundation of modern political science and philosophy the student body is busy sponsoring, and adding to the riches, of a man who the charge of corrupting the youth, however bogus it is, should reasonably be leveled against.

I can see the headlines now. “Utah valley obsessed with Mitt Romney, God, and Aliens.” Utah Mormons think the first two are the same so to add to the third one is a consequential blow to their identity.      

I am ashamed for two reasons. The first is that such a voice can even develop in America the world’s supposed hub of academic thinking and finding the truth. The second being that Utah’s largest student body and the one I am a part of is going to propel the veil of stupidity this guy is draping over American college student’s eyes. How can this university expect an alumni to become a reputable voice in science, medicine, journalism, or politics if they are dedicating their time and money to studying aliens.

 I bet if a candidate were to espouse a belief in UFO’s they would be more ignored than Ron Paul, and that is saying something. So UVUSA, quit bringing me idiots that tell me my intergalactic future is doomed and bring me someone that has something good to say.

Yours untruly, because I am my own

Benjamin Williams

Meteorology: The Study of Uselessness

     Would you rather highlight and annotate the U.S. tax code or watch the weather channel? Obviously the first one. If the church is God's kingdom over the earth the weather channel is Satan's. Indeed weather forecasts can accurately be considered hell by all definitions of the word. I youtubed weather videos and there were far too many to look through all of them but I watched the funny ones and they were terrible. Hint: if something sucks even when it is supposed to be funny, the topic should be eliminated from society. 

     Now, many will say that the weather forecast is important and for them I have a question. Why? it is not hard to tell you that it will be sunny in July or cold in November. But the weatherman does not even do that, instead he says it in bogus code that not even the CIA can decipher such as..."from the northwest we can see a medium high-pressure system and the inversion caused by the canyon will effect temperatures." By the time most Americans have figured out which way is northwest the dude, with his classless weatherman style, is waving his hands this way and that way trying to get us excited about something that is literally right outside our door. So, if you want to know the weather don't bother supporting the cult of meteorology; rather, look outside and boom you have the weather!

     Below is a video that makes c-span seem like a godsend. It had the subtitle "some interesting weather on tap here after a boring summer..." newsflash: the weather is NEVER interesting. The cult of weathermen poses a greater threat to America than the left wing socialist nut jobs who want to infiltrate this country and turn it communist and watch it go down in flames because the weathermen are actually real. Only 2 percent of people will get that joke I just made but it IS funny. So if you want suicidal thought flooding your brain watch the clip. 

Yours untruly, cause I am my own
Benjamin Williams

Bigoted Bake Sale? Hardly.

I recently signed up for emails from a site called Groupon. They email me a daily coupon for my area every day. There are a ton of sites out there like this that make coupons available to people. It does not require a genius to tell you that most people like to pay less cash for things. It might however stump some people UC Berkeley; known as the nation’s most “liberal” university.

Let me explain. An association of students is organizing a phone bank to call California senators urging them to consider race and gender when extending admission letters to applying students. This comes in response to a proposition passed by voters last year that makes this practice known as affirmative action illegal in the state of California. Undoubtedly this association of students is highly ethnic.  What they want is for school administration boards to prefer women and people of ethnic backgrounds in comparison to their racist, bigoted, oppressive white male counterparts. In essence they want special treatment.

A group of college republicans gave them just that in an event so untactful and politically incorrect that republicans had to be attached to it. But it is hilarious because of the satire, and the response it has drawn from people on both sides of the debate.

They decided to hold a bake sale and the price of the pastries depended upon the race and gender of the customer. A white person got a pastry for two dollars, an Asian for a wun doler fity cents. Los mexicanos get them for 10 pesos, or one dollar, while dem black folks be payin in pure silver, 75 cents. The indian population: one pastry= twenty five cents and were all left saying “how”. Women will receive a quarter off the racial price, which means like one commentator said “Pocahontas will drive off with a truck full of pastries” because the pastries are free for Native American women. Isn’t that brilliant? Making prices reflect the difficulty of getting into college. So here is the head scratcher, the ethnic community is appalled at the bake sale. If anyone should be appalled it’s the white man; but for some reason supporters of affirmative action are pissed that they have to pay less for a pastry.

So here we have a bunch of college students that definitely don’t understand the idea of justice. The white population will resign under fears of being labeled a racist and pay the two bucks, and the rest will be protesting a discount. They go to one of America’s finest institutions and they are protesting a discount, they shouldn’t be there.

Poll: what would you do in this situation?

As a white man my plan of action would be the following: go straight to the international student center and become friends with all the non-white women I could find and I would give them cash to buy me pastries.

If I were a true American with an ethnic background however, I would capitalize on this in the following way. Lets say I am latino. I would gather my crew and offer the white folks a pastry for a buck fifty, I would pay the dollar for the pastry at the latino rate and pocket the fifty cents. I would make money off of someone else’s bake sale! That, my friends is the American dream and its exclusively available to the ethnic community, so why are they protesting?

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams

The Road to Prosperity: Being Gorgeous

I recently heard a middle aged women complain to her fellow female allies about the stresses of being “good looking.” At first I was very happy to know that there was other conceded people out there like me and I could immediately relate to on both levels—that is of being attractive, and also being conceded. However, she went on to explain that her “shrink” or psychologist had actually done an informal study. He told her that from his experience he noted that generally good looking people have more problems their average or not-so-good looking counter parts. Needless to say my respect for this dame waned instantly. I personally knew the logic was false because in my own life there is a drastic contradiction. I am a good looking person (obviously) yet I would never describe my life as problematic. Theory debunked right? Well for some of you I realize that you will need more than my experience to be convinced. Oh, and if you felt your heart jump out in agreement at the idea that better looking people have it harder, you might want to quit reading this right now.

Now, I understand that it is impossible to measure happiness but it is possible to measure some factors that can contribute greatly. Let us start with the obvious, money. Good looking people enjoy an earnings benefit over ugly people. For women, a study shows, that a “5” or above on the ten point scale (p.s. I am guiltless in utilizing a rating system that measures the physical beauty of a human being.) will enjoy 8 percent higher earnings than their homely counterparts. Undoubtedly some of you are saying something like “oh, that’s because better looking people are more intelligent or harder working.” Think of the cheerleader stereotype…it, like all stereotypes, exist for a reason. Now, just so you all of you know I am not opposed to this; I have been an advocate for an ugly tax for years and this is the equivalent.  I am however, using this to demonstrate that as far as money goes the ugly have it worse. Thank goodness for my great genetics.

I imagine that most people do not find excess weight attractive. I know there are a few, and they belong in fetish chat rooms. This, along with shortness or extreme tones of skin. Here is something I found from yahoo answers that is not only hilarious but resiliently truthful. “I am a 27 years old fat girl (I'm 1.65 m. height and 72 kg weight) and my mom told me that if I stay in this shape, I will never find a boyfriend and no man will ask for my hand in marriage.” Finally, a mother issuing out some tough love. This highlights the truth that ugly people are less likely to get married than better looking people. For years now people have rated marriage as the number one contributor to their overall happiness. I could not help but to think of this as I saw this girl’s humungous rock on her left hand ring finger.

So what was the deal with this girl? She enjoyed financial stability, she was married, and she had friends to complain to. This highlights the last great truth. Hot chicks are whiny. Because hot chicks have more cash to spend they are going to fork out the money to see a shrink, thus contaminating the psychologist’s field of sampling.

Again, this article is not meant to complain. I along with my beautiful friends will continue enjoying higher earnings, and some day marriage to a beautiful gal. While the homely will weep in their sweat pants and dream of their prince charming never to come, and also indulge into Jet Puff marshmallows that were bought with food stamps. That’s the truth, and that’s justice!

This is what the two futures may look like respectively:

 Yours untruly, because I am my own

Benjamin Williams

Burning Homes = Burning Economy

When asked about what the biggest concern is for our country right now a heavy majority answers the economy. Well, to be completely honest I do not even know what that means. What is the economy? What is a part of it and what is not? Are there more than one? I am guessing that when they say they are worried about the economy what they really mean is that they are pissed off because they have no cash, and the government can’t fix it. We have heard all sorts of ideas about how to fix it from the gold standard (because people have all sorts of surplus gold lying around…) from increasing government spending (as if we haven’t spent enough) or tax cuts for jet owners. (why in the world should they get a tax break, they have a jet?) So all these idea obviously are terrible. I am going to tell you how to fix the economy (the problem of not having cash) in less than five paragraphs.

The first step of a great economy for the buyer is having a free market. Literally. I am not talking about the bogus textbook crap your teacher talks about. I want to see a market where there is a bunch of free stuff. Where I can go get food, books, computers, guns, furniture and all that stuff for free. People complain that they do not have money, no problem, go to the free market and the word money will be like the word bomb in an airport. Yup, it would land you jail time.

Next, we could send all professional athletes to do a season of survivor. If there is one thing that made my blood boil this year it was the NBA lockout. The players are literally complaining that they don’t have enough cash. How many of those players grew up in urban areas playing street ball with chain nets and they did not even know what the phrase owner-player agreement meant. They played ball because they wanted to be thugs. Basketball already gave them a college education and now they are complaining, in these of all times, that their family finances are unstable. So we would send them to Kenya for a Mutumbo hosted season of survivor. I bet they wouldn’t miss their maids and butlers while eating raw giraffe, and bathing in a river of sewage. They talk about a lockout. We ought to lock them out of the country so they realize just how nice they have it.

Thirdly, we could beautify our communities by burning to the ground all unaesthetic structures, and rebuilding better looking ones. The burden of fixing the economy should undoubtedly be upon those who for too long have scarred our nation with their “unique architecture.” So if your house is an eye sore it will get a remodel by a great company called Flames Inc. I am the C.E.O. After the remodel you would have a mobile home, the ashes would be hauled away thus making it mobile, and you can start all over. Who doesn’t want a “re-do” nowadays? The stress of where to live, and how to keep your family safe would serve as a time of reflecting and strengthening. We have far too many pansies these days so don’t victimize yourself if you’re chosen. The demand for new houses would sky rocket, people would go back to work, people would have to ask for loans, people would stay in hotels and eat out because they have no other choice. Problem solved? Obviously.

So there you have it folks, a three step flawless plan. Establishing a truly free market, having Mutumbo host a season of Survivior in Kenya, and burning all the ugly buildings to the ground. I may not know what the economy is but these are undoubtedly the ways to fix it.

Here is an inspiring image that should have a subtitle below that says “hope for a brighter tomorrow”  

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams

GAYming

A while back a person I know asked me if I liked a certain game. I politely responded that I don’t play video games and I don’t like Nintendo.

When I told him that I didn’t like Nintendo he got a puzzled look on his face and said “that game is for X-Box.” Well sir, sorry I am not up to date on all the gaming lingo but by Nintendo I mean all the stupid virtual “reality” (oxymoron?) things that you waste your time and money on.

So this is going to be my letter to the gaming community. I know your smart and can beat me in nerd talk about graphics, gigahertz, megabytes and all that stuff which is meant to be a tool for us, not the topic of conversation. However, I have no respect for someone that can press the right buttons in the right sequence the fastest and thus “win” or “beat” the game.

In and of themselves video games are ok it’s the gamers that have problems. It’s like the opposite idea of hate the war not the warrior. My motto for life success is hate the gamer not the game.

Now, I am never guilty of stepping up on a pedestal and ranting out my opinions without regard to others. (okay, its actually what this blog is all about.) so here are the facts on the gaming community.

Most of them are addicts to anime porn. They spend so much time cooked up with headset and handset that they get upset, sexually. This frustration leads them to the neighboring world of cyber-sex.  But just like in real life they can’t handle real people relationships so they stick to the virtual and enchant themselves with virtual, drawn, divas. Anime porn addicts fall in between regular porn addicts and pedophiles in the dirt bag chain.

Gamers are what keep dermatologists in business. I think that every hard core gamer I have seen has severe acne. I imagine that as adults they still have their mother cook them microwave food as to not distract from their intense gaming session. All the foods they consume are oily, and when you don’t shower (which gamers obviously do not have time for, in their mind) acne is an inevitable result.

Have you ever had a good conversation with a gamer? Don’t worry, I haven’t either. Why are they terrible at normal person talk? I am guessing it is because the sight of a real face, and not an avatar, startles them. They spend out their time venting about Zelda to other gamers in 160 character phrases through abbreviations and acronyms, all this through instant messaging or over broadband calls on “live” (another oxymoron)The detriment of our current social scene is due to lack of communication skills, the world of gaming is by far the biggest promoter of non-verbal communication.

Now, the last point I want to hit on is the subject of gamer forums. What a pathetic tragedy that these things exist. Forums are bogus but a gamer forum is as pathetic as it gets. With all the time gamers spend gaming I would hope that when they are not, that they might go get some exercise or something. But no they go from call of duty, to the computer to talk about call of duty, back to call of duty. No one cares that you killed 8 soldiers with one grenade, or that you threw a hail mary, or that you beat the record on Mario kart. I went inside the first gamer forum that popped up on google and they actually had donation box. UGH! A donation box for such a bogus thing as a gamer forum. I was tempted to offer them 50 dollars to shut down. This means that people pay money to be able to talk about what would happen if bowser raped princess peach. How can gamers ask money from people when there are so many better causes to fight like AIDS and hunger. To close here are images of the world’s future sex offenders, who got their start by playing Grand Theft Auto:

If you want to end up like these ^ all you have to do is pick up a Nintendo paddle, and yes that means x-box too.

Yours untruly, cause  I am my own

Benjamin Williams

Newest Get Rich Quick Method

This week was the first week back in school for grade schools where I live. I love grade school for many reasons such as nap time, snack time, coloring time, game time, it seems like there is a time for everything and it’s mostly good. In fact the only bad thing is when they kick you out of all these times and they call it timeout and for a child it is worse than anything. However there is one thing that irks me about grade schools nationwide and I am sure it will irk you as well. It deals with police officers, piggy banks, hot air balloons, trips to the zoo, robots, and a thousand other things. If you’re still wondering what I am talking about it is the whole genre of children’s literature. Ugh!

Why do children’s books suck? There are many reasons so let’s start with the basic ones. I have never read a coherent child book that has a decent plot. I don’t care that some creepy dude with a mustache saved the town when the animals escaped from the zoo. Or that some old lady took her dog for a walk. Now if that were the only problem it would be fine, but do you know what most children do during story time? Go to sleep. I would too if I had to hear about some umbrella that makes you fly. How many kids have gone home and jumped off their roof with umbrellas after hearing about Mary Poppins? I have no clue but it is a lot. I wouldn’t want to go to school either to hear about some fat kid who eats ice cream and saves his pennies in a piggy bank to buy more ice cream; he is clearly the true piggy.

So while the children sleep as they are read to the school is forking over cash to pay for these books. Some cost upwards of 22 dollars, and they buy multiple copies and lots of books. The kids don’t even read them. They just tear the pages and get mucus on them. You could put a copy of the tax code and they would do the same thing.

It’s a frickin scam that these authors make mad cash off of books that are written at sub-par levels of intelligence. I was well aware by age five that animals without wings can’t fly. The best-selling children’s book this year is called Silverlicious. It has a partner book entitled Goldilicious. They are pictured below:

Obviously the author picked these titles because she is going to become Ms. Goldilicous after she cons all the country’s public schools into buying 5 copies of her overpriced book. She will make off like a bandit while 5 year old boys are listening about the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny. Those kids have better things to do, like play cops and robbers.

Here is my version of a Children’s book: Dear children, a tiger escaped from the zoo and ate 12 people, than some dude shot him with a gun and the crisis ended. The true crisis being that books with that same story line are read five days a week all across America, and people get rich for it. Bogus.

So maybe next year I will win the Newbery for this entry. Picture books are a scam, give the kids some crayons, and tell them a real story, or maybe that you love them.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Ben Williams.

Firm Facebook Facts

Facebook has changed the world. It is impossible to go through the day and not encounter it. On every web page there are links to Facebook, it has become the sun of the electronic galaxy. Everything revolves around Facebook.  I would say I have to be careful about what I say but from my other posts you will be able to tell that I don’t care who I offend in my posts. My goal is humor and were all the butts of it sometime so get used to it. Here are some facebook facts, they should put them in the stupid screen no one reads when you have to sign up for new stuff.

First and foremost facebook is for single people. It is a social website and married people no longer need to meet or interact with people. I don’t recall facebook being mentioned in marital vows (thank goodness it hasn’t gotten that far) I do remember people pledging loyalty to their husbands or wives though. The scripture would be well translated were it to say that they should leave facebook and cling to their spouse and none other. So often I get on Facebook to find absurd declarations of love to their significant other. No kidding you love your wife, you freaking married her and the ring on her finger lets us know that you two are love birds in the same cage. If clingy spouses publish ridiculous cliché nonsense as their Facebook status do the rest of have to read it? Unfortunately yes, and it invokes the gag reflex quicker than masochistic web forums. So instead of expressing your love over Facebook use the telephone.

Next up, your group sucks and your cause is lost. I know that starving kids need help and abortion is bad but me joining a Facebook group has the same capacity of solving it as the kids I am “supporting” do of having a thanksgiving dinner. Zero. Far too often I get invited to bogus groups such as “star wars is cool”, “I had Mr. Jones as a teacher”, or perhaps the most far-fetched “support republicans”. I don’t want to join your group so you can send me a worthless message that you’re going to have an orgy in star wars costumes. Save it for Halloween.

Lastly, relationship status posted on facebook is like wearing t-shirts that mention your boyfriend or girlfriend. repulsive and a banner displaying your distasteful fashion. If you have to post that you are in a relationship just to reassure yourself you have serious problems. Whenever I see posts that say “Joanne went from being ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship’” my heart drops. Not because my chances with Joanne are shot but because I always thought Joanne had more self-confidence and tact than publishing her relationship on facebook.  If you are looking to discuss your relationship, or lack thereof online e harmony is just a click away. Really. 

http://www.eharmony.com/

So Facebook friends, after “liking” my blog please keep this in mind and be a good member of my Facebook community.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Ben Williams

Reality is sexist.

Due to my burning ambition for higher education I am registered and enrolled in college. Yesterday I went down for an orientation to get to know my university and learn about its procedures. Now, the best part about college in general is its dedication to equality. The government has set up wonderful things likes Title IX to prevent inequality based on gender. Now, I obviously am a huge fan of this program that deprives colleges thousands of dollars of income and robs students of opportunities at the nation’s universities. But gender equality is that important, important enough to close down athletic programs, restrict scholarships, and take away student involvement opportunities. That is why I was appalled when reality openly denied this wonderful undermining title. Let me explain.  At the conclusion of this orientation they did a drawing for a book scholarship. The scholarship would cover the cost of books for the students who won. They did the drawing and the winners consisted of one male and three females. It is bogus that a drawing, entirely dictated by chance, could produce such sex based results when the participants were split equally. I was shocked that mere chance would openly defy American laws. We should put chance behind bars. If American colleges and universities are subject to gender equality rules, chance and reality should be as well. While we are talking about reality lets mention another reality. Texas men’s football brought in 59 million dollars of profit to the university in 2010. It was the highest gaining college sports program across the nation.  In order for the top college female sport to equal that you would have to multiply their revenue by a negative number. Yep, of 53 public college women’s basketball teams (the most popular women’s sport) from the six most recognized conferences 100 percent of them lost money.  In total they amassed a 110 million dollar loss. Now, I have not taken college math but if I remember correctly, here is a decent equation to look at:

+money > -money

I know its mind blowing right. That a profit is greater than a loss. So across the nation we have a bunch of universities; The supposed hub of intellectual thinking, and they are scratching their heads still trying to figure out if Title IX is a good idea.  I just don’t get it, these guys can understand Einstein and Stephen Hawking but they do not understand that a positive is greater than a negative. Well, like always I am right. Excuse me while I anxiously wait to watch women’s basketball. Oh wait, no one does that.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Ben Williams

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to...

Hey folks,

You may have recently heard that NASA will no longer send shuttles to space. I wish I could say I was a bit saddened but I can’t. I was extremely happy. Somehow this portal of outrageous expenditures is still in the news, so I have decided to do a post on it. Now, for starters I am not in total opposition to space exploration. Now we all know of my burning patriotism, if you have doubts please read my “combatting communism" post, thus I fully support the program that was solely invented to show the Russians we could flex our muscle (and our spending) more than them. Indeed this is the government program that was encouraged because it was “hard” and Americans do hard things. I always presumed that people who worked at NASA were intelligent. I remember the phrase “it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to…” obviously inferring that a rocket scientist, aka a NASA worker, is smart.  But I am questioning this presumption after doing a small amount of research on one particular mission. The mission I am going to talk about is the mission of trying to find out if there is water on mars. Now, the question is not that dumb, however the measures exhausted to answer the question are unreasonably stupid. For starters let’s look at a picture of mars.

 Now I am no genius but from looking at this picture it doesn’t exactly look like the Amazon. So NASA decided to send some robots there to answer this question. Again, their purpose was to learn if there was or is water on mars. They want to learn this because water = life (sometimes). So they sent two robots to do some exploring on mars. In total the mission, this single solitary question cost just under a billion dollars to answer. They say that water has been on mars and life was possibly there. What?! They spend a billion dollars and there are no definite answers? They are still saying there might have been life on mars. Well we knew that before and it doesn’t take a billion dollars for someone to tell you a maybe. Hey NASA, there might be life on Jupiter, if you pay a billion dollars I will tell you again that there might be life on Jupiter. They pay a billion dollars and are no less conclusive in their results. It does not take a rocket scientist to tell you that’s a bad idea. Oh wait, it just might.

So while these intellects are bawled up in their space fantasies of interplanetary relations and who knows what else there is actually another crisis going on. So, NASA answer me these questions: is there life in Ethiopia? Is there water in Ethiopia? I actually don’t need NASA to tell me. There is life on Ethiopia however there is practically no water. So here we have these people with IQ’s of 140-200 spending their time wondering about water on a place where there is no human life and mean while there are drastic water shortages for entire countries with populations that are, well, higher than that of Mars. Oh and with a billion dollars you could purchase almost one million airplane tickets to Ethiopia to help this country. Or you could increase the country’s GDP by nearly 10 percent.

So maybe it does take a rocket scientist to spend a billion dollars (1/3 of Ethiopia’s GDP the year the robots were launched) to end up with a maybe.

Who do I hold responsible?

I figure I have to blame someone, so I have chosen NASA’s director of space operations pictured above. I would have a perma-frown too i.f I knew that the money I wasted could have been used to help thirsty Africans. Oh, and the mustache is not helping your case much. 

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams

The Hunter Indictment

Hello faithful readers,

Sorry it has been a while since I have visited the important topics of the day like, marriage, child care, and light bulb regulations. Today I will steer a little from my normal political dialogue and will attempt to indict some sport enthusiasts of a specific sport. Now, I would not normally do this but I was particularly irked by a man wearing a rather offensive t shirt. His t shirt stated “if it can’t kill you, it’s not a sport!” it was a particularly distasteful graphic t with an image of a large animal on it. His shirt basically implied that if I don’t like walking around in the mountains trying to shoot animals, I am not an athlete of any kind. So kind sir I saw in a parking lot this is my indictment of hunters like you, particularly hunters who wear hunting t shirts in attempt to show that they have more testosterone than the rest of us. Oh, and by the way, if you have not heard there have been multiple deaths in the U.S. due to the heat wave. So I guess not drinking enough water, and over exposure to the sun is the latest sport because there have been fatalities. Guess that means drunk driving and border hopping are also sports. Can’t wait for the London games to see who gets the gold in gangsterism. Tragic they won’t be alive to hear their national anthem or get the gold medal to sell, and by rocks with the cash.

Now let’s examine a couple classic hunter tees and see what they tell us about this man I saw in the parking lot, who so selfishly discounted everyone else’s sport. This guy must be a star athlete from these shirts I found.

Well, from this shirt it appears that their sport is strictly for the unemployed, I get the picture now. Were he to have a job he could buy food like the rest of us but he plays a sport for jobless people. This must be a top notch group of people, a bunch of unemployed people with guns. Sounds like I am describing Detroit but really it’s just hunterville. It’s true they have white collar jobs and blue collar jobs but these folks’ necks are red and we all know there aren’t red collar jobs.

Now that we have established that hunters don’t work let’s move onto the next point. Hmm they are alcoholics. This really must be a dangerous sport, a bunch of hungry unemployed people with guns scared me enough, but get a little alcohol in there and things get even worse. This shirt also tells us another key attribute of hunters. We know they don’t work yet this shirt mentions money. How would someone with no job get money? They are either claiming unemployment to feed their hunting habit or they are thieves and rob money. So far we have established that they are unemployed, alcoholics, and thieves. Sounds like they are stunning athletes to me. But I don’t put my life on the line very often so I might not be a good judge.

I was wondering why hunters were unemployed and I did not have to look very far to find the answer. It seems that hunters are 80 percent numerically illiterate. They only recognize the number 3 and 0 as shown by this shirt. I imagine they recognize these numbers because they have three beers every hour and have zero percent chance of being contributing members of society. I hate to break it to you but I could not hire someone that responded “deer thirty” when asked the time.

I was under the illusion that hunters were proactive in defending the second amendment mainly because they wanted to defend their families in times of danger but such is not the case. This shirt breaks my heart. I imagine a nice country girl asking for more time with her husband and this man just walks out. Hunters obviously abandon their families to go spend time with animals, where I come from that’s called bestiality but I guess that’s just normal hunter life.

 Oh look speaking of bestiality they beat me to it, here they openly embrace their passion for animals, not only are they animal killers but now animal rapists as well.

So there we have it folks, a class A group of people. Unemployed, gun toting, alcoholic, thieving, numerically illiterate, family abandoning, and participants of bestiality. This to me sounds not like a healthy athlete who spends time in the weight room, practicing plays, eating healthily, and promoting child athletic programs. Instead this sounds like a state prison. So to the man in the parking lot who suggested the rest of are sub par athletes because there is no risk of losing our life I reject your statement and your own t shirts show that hunters are far from athletic or even productive, quality people. Instead they show the opposite. Hunterville is Compton for white folks.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams

So, the 112^th congress is outstanding. For those of you who have listened to the news lately I am sure you have heard about congress and the president are talking about the debt ceiling. They both know it needs to be raised but they want to make a deal to lower government debt. The reason they need to increase the limit is so that they can pay their bills. For example, pay people from congress members to post office janitors. If they fail to raise the debt limit the U.S. government will default on their payments for the first time in history. It is the equivalent of one of us not paying our car loan or mortgage payment. Now we all know that it is not financially sound to default. If we don’t pay our debts than the loaner can charge interest and it becomes much harder debt to eliminate. So with this challenge, the challenge of the country plunging into economic turmoil and making huge tsunami type waves in the global economy and affecting the interest rate you and I pay, this wonderful congress is feeling the urgency of the situation. Yesterday they were scheduled to vote on light bulb regulations. What!?! This is from the Huffington Post:  “WASHINGTON -- The House of Representatives will vote Tuesday on whether to repeal light bulb efficiency standards that are set to take effect at the beginning of 2012, with some lawmakers arguing such regulations amount to an assault on personal freedom.”

Is it just me or do you see multiple things wrong with this scenario? For starters what the crap are they talking about light bulbs for when our country is literally days away from a financial crisis and a solution seems unlikely at best. Second whoever says that light bulb choice as we know it is restrictive of freedom I invite you to go to home depot to the light bulb section. I just did a search on google for light bulb store and the first result said “30,000 light bulbs to choose from” I would love to see someone sit and go through all thirty thousand of the different types of light bulbs. If anything government should do more to make that choice easier, I don’t have time to compare and contrast that many light bulbs.

Like I said from the beginning I have a better head on my shoulders than the 435 members of the house.The above image does not represent congress because they obviously have not had the epiphany that they have better things to talk about with their limited time. I realize that it is financially unwise to default on my payments. I also know that if I am facing a financial crisis that will affect the majority of americans in a negative way than I should quit equivocating about the difference between 60 and 120 watt light bulbs. Oh, and I doubt congress will care much about light bulbs once they have no light bulbs to turn on due to failure of payment to the electrical company.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams

Six Year Old Adults

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Combatting Communism

We recently celebrated what many call “Americas Birthday” and it’s an inadequate title. Incorrect too. Every decent student of History knows that America was truly born September 17, 1789. I think it iconic of who we have become that we celebrate the formal declaration of war and not the cultivating event for which we fought the war. But then again that’s American Politics. If I am not pro war I am a communist, or nowadays a terrorist. One sec, the doorbell rang I think Sen. McCarthy showed up with a subpoena.

I must tell you I truly love the Fourth of July. I love fried chicken and root beer. I enjoy fireworks especially when I live in a state that makes more fireworks legal as part of an effort to get people to spend more money. I am proud to say that I live in a country where even in a downturn many households still spend the amount of money on fireworks that residents of a third world country could use to pay their rent. Or in extreme cases live for a month. Now, one thing I am not proud about is the fact that we have Fourth of July parades. And that people go to watch them. Allow me to examine a common Fourth of July Parade. For starters everyone looks the same. People must think and say, I want to be patriotic so somehow wearing a combination of colors screams patriot. Thus I will wear red, white and blue. Upon arrival they realize that everyone had the same idea and it makes them happy to be in such good company of fellow anti- communist patriots. So to start the parade they have some announcer with a “booming” voice that gets everyone excited for the most anticlimactic thing to ever happen. Really trying to hype someone up for a parade is harder then hyping up a convicted felon for ten years behind bars. Especially cause they try to get you excited before the sun is up. So once the crappy announcer gets done they damage your ears with something worse High school music bands slaughtering the star spangled banner. All the while wearing super homosexual outfits and hats that make them look like Indians. I would prefer sitting in a convention for the hearing impaired and listen to them make an attempt at speaking. So after the mockery of America’s national song we get advertised to. We watch float after float pass by and all of them are advertisements. If I want to see commercials I can turn on my TV. There is no need to leave my comfy bed at 3:00 a.m. just to go find out that McDonalds has a value menu. I found this picture on the internet of classic patriotic advertising.

If you’re like me you did not know what Au Pair was and so I did some research. Au pair is an agency that provides live in child care, and they focus on the caretaker being international so that the family and the child receiving the care get a cultural experience. This is as American as it gets. Parents, too lazy or career centered to tend to your family responsibilities? Pay someone else to do it. I just saw a special for Utah and they charge very low prices only 322 dollars a week and that is with a discount. Are you serious? Now I get the picture. They have a Middle Eastern woman/belly dancer, a black lady, and a few homely white ladies as well. I figure that a scantily clad belly dancer is the best option for my child’s baby sitter. And people are asking why teen pregnancies are high.  So after I sit through stupid advertisemnets encouraging me to trust my children with women that work at escort services the good part comes the candy. You want to know what I got the last parade I went to? A pine tree as tall as my forearm and then I was supposed to plant it. What kind of sucky scandal is that? I wake up super early for a pine tree that dies that same year.

Ok now that I have waken up super early, listened to my national anthem butchered by 17 year olds, watched subliminal sex ads targeted at my children, and received my pine tree to help mother earth I am finally ready to leave the exciting freedom parade. So I pack up my blanket and walk super far to my car only for another great surprise. Traffic. However, traffic should not be that bad. I mean a bunch of fellow patriots just got together to celebrate freedom and now we are fraternal in our love of patriotic ideals like the patriot act so I am optimistic. Wait someone is honking, man that’s jacked up someone sped passed me and flipped me off. I never imagined that road rage would penetrate a group of people with such strong love for their country. I mean, they were wearing red, white and blue and now they are yelling at me, their fellow comrade in the fight against freedom haters. But in the end I don’t question their loyalty because as I see them speed off after nearly hitting me I see a god bless the usa bumper sticker and I realize that I could never get mad at a fellow American much less a fellow Christian. After all were I to criticize him my loyalty would be questioned and they would put labels on me like un-American. You and I both know that it is not true because I went to a fourth of july parade and that my friends is patriotism at its finest!

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Ben Williams  



Un Update on my Condition

To me the news is very important, I try to keep up with it as much as a I can. In my first post I sarcastically saluted doctors for giving a name to a medical condition of someone who is in love with themselves. They must have read my post and realized that it is silly to call people that love themselves sick. This excerpt recently appeared in the New York Times.

"The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (due out in 2013, and known as DSM-5) has eliminated five of the 10 personality disorders that are listed in the current edition.
Narcissistic personality disorder is the most well-known of the five, and its absence has caused the most stir in professional circles."

If you are are wondering if I find it surprising that the medical world and the New York Times are publishing things like this, undoubtedly in an effort to keep up with me and my whopping five followers, I do not find it surprising at all. I expected and still expect things like this to happen. I must admit an article like this is very fulfilling to my already over inflated ego. Indeed it is like a sweet dose of oxycotton for my narcissism.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Ben Williams         

A critique of a Critic

So I have been out of the country for two years and I want to see a great movie. Naturally I look up movie critics online to see what multimillion dollar profit maker I want to throw more money at. I figure that with so much poverty I better help the people at the top. It’s a play from Ronald Reagan’s playbook. So the first website that comes up is a site that is directed by some clown named Roger Ebert. This guy literally is worse than a thumbtack in my foot. He makes me cringe. I feel that in order for you to understand me you have to see this guy, he makes Dirk Nowizki look like someone that should be on GQ.

Let me talk about this guy for a sec. After seeing the picture I now know why he chose a movie critic as his career. No business or agency would hire this guy. He would literally screw up your business more than AIG screwed over the world economy. I mean I must complement the guy, he dressed up with a crappily folded red suit pocket handkerchief. Perfect to match the tie he is not wearing. I don’t think he can wear a neck tie because he already has a disgustingly huge white neck brace holding his head in place. So to go with his incredibly classy navy blue blazer with brass buttons (by the way those went out with the polo shirt jean tuck-in at the end of the nineties) he chose khaki colored pants. This guy rips into movies that have over-expressed settings and stories and then he chooses a navy blue blazer with khaki pants. His style suggests that he likes to mock cliché Hollywood films but loves to “dress down” to typical blue blazer and khaki pant never under-used business casual when he snuggles up to watch a movie that at most is %80 worth his time. Hypocrisy would be one of his chief attributes. The last thing I would like to draw your attention to, besides his bull dog like jowls is his incredibly enthused thumbs up. I highly doubt he is giving the positive gesture to a movie because he literally hates 95 percent of all movies. I imagine this creep is giving the thumbs up to his slovokian mail order bride as she prepares him dinner in a dress that comes to the middle of her unshaved thighs.

Ok, so you might be wondering why I would attack this guy so strongly, and I promise that if you go to his site and read one of his reviews you will be right with me. This is how he began his review of transformers. “Michael Bay's "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" is a visually ugly film with an incoherent plot, wooden characters and inane dialog. It provided me with one of the more unpleasant experiences I've had at the movies” Really Mr. Ebert? It’s not like people spent time thinking about the movie. Its not like the actors had many sleepless nights trying to memorize lines and thinking how to play the part. This movie probably started as a dream that some 5 year old kid had for what would make a great movie and now you come out trying to crush the kid’s hopes. You may say that when a man reaches maturity we quit finding joy in explosions and toys but it would not be true. Look at the defense department, they blow billions of dollars to see explosions and buy cool toys and they show all their neat stuff to the president, who is black so his sense of "cool" is impeccable. But hey if you don’t like it you can go smoke a cigar and read Shakespeare like the grade A moron you are. I think it tragic that a whole industry devotes themselves to tearing down other peoples work.


To not waste your time and have you go to his site, I will tell you that of the 74 movies he reviewed zero got five stars and three got four. The three were: The tree of life, Putty hill, and Bill Cunningham New York. I would estimate that more than half got one or two stars. This guy is begging me to not go to the movies. He literally should come out with a general overall statement that says all movies suck, stick to the classics. And of his elect three I have not heard of any of them. I would trust Helen keller more to tell me what movie to see. So hats off to you Mr Egbert. Instead of encouraging me to go see an exciting new film you got me to write a piece on why movie critics are what are wrong with America.  Especially movie critics who sit at home giving thumbs up looking like a pampered quadriplegic. So roger, if I ever see you at the movies I will make sure to dump my coca cola on you.

Your’s untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams