Newest Get Rich Quick Method

This week was the first week back in school for grade schools where I live. I love grade school for many reasons such as nap time, snack time, coloring time, game time, it seems like there is a time for everything and it’s mostly good. In fact the only bad thing is when they kick you out of all these times and they call it timeout and for a child it is worse than anything. However there is one thing that irks me about grade schools nationwide and I am sure it will irk you as well. It deals with police officers, piggy banks, hot air balloons, trips to the zoo, robots, and a thousand other things. If you’re still wondering what I am talking about it is the whole genre of children’s literature. Ugh!

Why do children’s books suck? There are many reasons so let’s start with the basic ones. I have never read a coherent child book that has a decent plot. I don’t care that some creepy dude with a mustache saved the town when the animals escaped from the zoo. Or that some old lady took her dog for a walk. Now if that were the only problem it would be fine, but do you know what most children do during story time? Go to sleep. I would too if I had to hear about some umbrella that makes you fly. How many kids have gone home and jumped off their roof with umbrellas after hearing about Mary Poppins? I have no clue but it is a lot. I wouldn’t want to go to school either to hear about some fat kid who eats ice cream and saves his pennies in a piggy bank to buy more ice cream; he is clearly the true piggy.

So while the children sleep as they are read to the school is forking over cash to pay for these books. Some cost upwards of 22 dollars, and they buy multiple copies and lots of books. The kids don’t even read them. They just tear the pages and get mucus on them. You could put a copy of the tax code and they would do the same thing.

It’s a frickin scam that these authors make mad cash off of books that are written at sub-par levels of intelligence. I was well aware by age five that animals without wings can’t fly. The best-selling children’s book this year is called Silverlicious. It has a partner book entitled Goldilicious. They are pictured below:

Obviously the author picked these titles because she is going to become Ms. Goldilicous after she cons all the country’s public schools into buying 5 copies of her overpriced book. She will make off like a bandit while 5 year old boys are listening about the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny. Those kids have better things to do, like play cops and robbers.

Here is my version of a Children’s book: Dear children, a tiger escaped from the zoo and ate 12 people, than some dude shot him with a gun and the crisis ended. The true crisis being that books with that same story line are read five days a week all across America, and people get rich for it. Bogus.

So maybe next year I will win the Newbery for this entry. Picture books are a scam, give the kids some crayons, and tell them a real story, or maybe that you love them.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Ben Williams.