When asked about what the biggest concern is for our country right now a heavy majority answers the economy. Well, to be completely honest I do not even know what that means. What is the economy? What is a part of it and what is not? Are there more than one? I am guessing that when they say they are worried about the economy what they really mean is that they are pissed off because they have no cash, and the government can’t fix it. We have heard all sorts of ideas about how to fix it from the gold standard (because people have all sorts of surplus gold lying around…) from increasing government spending (as if we haven’t spent enough) or tax cuts for jet owners. (why in the world should they get a tax break, they have a jet?) So all these idea obviously are terrible. I am going to tell you how to fix the economy (the problem of not having cash) in less than five paragraphs.
The first step of a great economy for the buyer is having a free market. Literally. I am not talking about the bogus textbook crap your teacher talks about. I want to see a market where there is a bunch of free stuff. Where I can go get food, books, computers, guns, furniture and all that stuff for free. People complain that they do not have money, no problem, go to the free market and the word money will be like the word bomb in an airport. Yup, it would land you jail time.
Next, we could send all professional athletes to do a season of survivor. If there is one thing that made my blood boil this year it was the NBA lockout. The players are literally complaining that they don’t have enough cash. How many of those players grew up in urban areas playing street ball with chain nets and they did not even know what the phrase owner-player agreement meant. They played ball because they wanted to be thugs. Basketball already gave them a college education and now they are complaining, in these of all times, that their family finances are unstable. So we would send them to Kenya for a Mutumbo hosted season of survivor. I bet they wouldn’t miss their maids and butlers while eating raw giraffe, and bathing in a river of sewage. They talk about a lockout. We ought to lock them out of the country so they realize just how nice they have it.
Thirdly, we could beautify our communities by burning to the ground all unaesthetic structures, and rebuilding better looking ones. The burden of fixing the economy should undoubtedly be upon those who for too long have scarred our nation with their “unique architecture.” So if your house is an eye sore it will get a remodel by a great company called Flames Inc. I am the C.E.O. After the remodel you would have a mobile home, the ashes would be hauled away thus making it mobile, and you can start all over. Who doesn’t want a “re-do” nowadays? The stress of where to live, and how to keep your family safe would serve as a time of reflecting and strengthening. We have far too many pansies these days so don’t victimize yourself if you’re chosen. The demand for new houses would sky rocket, people would go back to work, people would have to ask for loans, people would stay in hotels and eat out because they have no other choice. Problem solved? Obviously.
So there you have it folks, a three step flawless plan. Establishing a truly free market, having Mutumbo host a season of Survivior in Kenya, and burning all the ugly buildings to the ground. I may not know what the economy is but these are undoubtedly the ways to fix it.
Here is an inspiring image that should have a subtitle below that says “hope for a brighter tomorrow”
Yours untruly, cause I am my own
Benjamin Williams
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