We recently celebrated what many call “Americas Birthday” and it’s an inadequate title. Incorrect too. Every decent student of History knows that America was truly born September 17, 1789. I think it iconic of who we have become that we celebrate the formal declaration of war and not the cultivating event for which we fought the war. But then again that’s American Politics. If I am not pro war I am a communist, or nowadays a terrorist. One sec, the doorbell rang I think Sen. McCarthy showed up with a subpoena.
I must tell you I truly love the Fourth of July. I love fried chicken and root beer. I enjoy fireworks especially when I live in a state that makes more fireworks legal as part of an effort to get people to spend more money. I am proud to say that I live in a country where even in a downturn many households still spend the amount of money on fireworks that residents of a third world country could use to pay their rent. Or in extreme cases live for a month. Now, one thing I am not proud about is the fact that we have Fourth of July parades. And that people go to watch them. Allow me to examine a common Fourth of July Parade. For starters everyone looks the same. People must think and say, I want to be patriotic so somehow wearing a combination of colors screams patriot. Thus I will wear red, white and blue. Upon arrival they realize that everyone had the same idea and it makes them happy to be in such good company of fellow anti- communist patriots. So to start the parade they have some announcer with a “booming” voice that gets everyone excited for the most anticlimactic thing to ever happen. Really trying to hype someone up for a parade is harder then hyping up a convicted felon for ten years behind bars. Especially cause they try to get you excited before the sun is up. So once the crappy announcer gets done they damage your ears with something worse High school music bands slaughtering the star spangled banner. All the while wearing super homosexual outfits and hats that make them look like Indians. I would prefer sitting in a convention for the hearing impaired and listen to them make an attempt at speaking. So after the mockery of America’s national song we get advertised to. We watch float after float pass by and all of them are advertisements. If I want to see commercials I can turn on my TV. There is no need to leave my comfy bed at 3:00 a.m. just to go find out that McDonalds has a value menu. I found this picture on the internet of classic patriotic advertising.
If you’re like me you did not know what Au Pair was and so I did some research. Au pair is an agency that provides live in child care, and they focus on the caretaker being international so that the family and the child receiving the care get a cultural experience. This is as American as it gets. Parents, too lazy or career centered to tend to your family responsibilities? Pay someone else to do it. I just saw a special for Utah and they charge very low prices only 322 dollars a week and that is with a discount. Are you serious? Now I get the picture. They have a Middle Eastern woman/belly dancer, a black lady, and a few homely white ladies as well. I figure that a scantily clad belly dancer is the best option for my child’s baby sitter. And people are asking why teen pregnancies are high. So after I sit through stupid advertisemnets encouraging me to trust my children with women that work at escort services the good part comes the candy. You want to know what I got the last parade I went to? A pine tree as tall as my forearm and then I was supposed to plant it. What kind of sucky scandal is that? I wake up super early for a pine tree that dies that same year.
Ok now that I have waken up super early, listened to my national anthem butchered by 17 year olds, watched subliminal sex ads targeted at my children, and received my pine tree to help mother earth I am finally ready to leave the exciting freedom parade. So I pack up my blanket and walk super far to my car only for another great surprise. Traffic. However, traffic should not be that bad. I mean a bunch of fellow patriots just got together to celebrate freedom and now we are fraternal in our love of patriotic ideals like the patriot act so I am optimistic. Wait someone is honking, man that’s jacked up someone sped passed me and flipped me off. I never imagined that road rage would penetrate a group of people with such strong love for their country. I mean, they were wearing red, white and blue and now they are yelling at me, their fellow comrade in the fight against freedom haters. But in the end I don’t question their loyalty because as I see them speed off after nearly hitting me I see a god bless the usa bumper sticker and I realize that I could never get mad at a fellow American much less a fellow Christian. After all were I to criticize him my loyalty would be questioned and they would put labels on me like un-American. You and I both know that it is not true because I went to a fourth of july parade and that my friends is patriotism at its finest!
Yours untruly, cause I am my own
Ben Williams
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