A critique of a Critic

So I have been out of the country for two years and I want to see a great movie. Naturally I look up movie critics online to see what multimillion dollar profit maker I want to throw more money at. I figure that with so much poverty I better help the people at the top. It’s a play from Ronald Reagan’s playbook. So the first website that comes up is a site that is directed by some clown named Roger Ebert. This guy literally is worse than a thumbtack in my foot. He makes me cringe. I feel that in order for you to understand me you have to see this guy, he makes Dirk Nowizki look like someone that should be on GQ.

Let me talk about this guy for a sec. After seeing the picture I now know why he chose a movie critic as his career. No business or agency would hire this guy. He would literally screw up your business more than AIG screwed over the world economy. I mean I must complement the guy, he dressed up with a crappily folded red suit pocket handkerchief. Perfect to match the tie he is not wearing. I don’t think he can wear a neck tie because he already has a disgustingly huge white neck brace holding his head in place. So to go with his incredibly classy navy blue blazer with brass buttons (by the way those went out with the polo shirt jean tuck-in at the end of the nineties) he chose khaki colored pants. This guy rips into movies that have over-expressed settings and stories and then he chooses a navy blue blazer with khaki pants. His style suggests that he likes to mock cliché Hollywood films but loves to “dress down” to typical blue blazer and khaki pant never under-used business casual when he snuggles up to watch a movie that at most is %80 worth his time. Hypocrisy would be one of his chief attributes. The last thing I would like to draw your attention to, besides his bull dog like jowls is his incredibly enthused thumbs up. I highly doubt he is giving the positive gesture to a movie because he literally hates 95 percent of all movies. I imagine this creep is giving the thumbs up to his slovokian mail order bride as she prepares him dinner in a dress that comes to the middle of her unshaved thighs.

Ok, so you might be wondering why I would attack this guy so strongly, and I promise that if you go to his site and read one of his reviews you will be right with me. This is how he began his review of transformers. “Michael Bay's "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" is a visually ugly film with an incoherent plot, wooden characters and inane dialog. It provided me with one of the more unpleasant experiences I've had at the movies” Really Mr. Ebert? It’s not like people spent time thinking about the movie. Its not like the actors had many sleepless nights trying to memorize lines and thinking how to play the part. This movie probably started as a dream that some 5 year old kid had for what would make a great movie and now you come out trying to crush the kid’s hopes. You may say that when a man reaches maturity we quit finding joy in explosions and toys but it would not be true. Look at the defense department, they blow billions of dollars to see explosions and buy cool toys and they show all their neat stuff to the president, who is black so his sense of "cool" is impeccable. But hey if you don’t like it you can go smoke a cigar and read Shakespeare like the grade A moron you are. I think it tragic that a whole industry devotes themselves to tearing down other peoples work.


To not waste your time and have you go to his site, I will tell you that of the 74 movies he reviewed zero got five stars and three got four. The three were: The tree of life, Putty hill, and Bill Cunningham New York. I would estimate that more than half got one or two stars. This guy is begging me to not go to the movies. He literally should come out with a general overall statement that says all movies suck, stick to the classics. And of his elect three I have not heard of any of them. I would trust Helen keller more to tell me what movie to see. So hats off to you Mr Egbert. Instead of encouraging me to go see an exciting new film you got me to write a piece on why movie critics are what are wrong with America.  Especially movie critics who sit at home giving thumbs up looking like a pampered quadriplegic. So roger, if I ever see you at the movies I will make sure to dump my coca cola on you.

Your’s untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams