The Hunter Indictment

Hello faithful readers,

Sorry it has been a while since I have visited the important topics of the day like, marriage, child care, and light bulb regulations. Today I will steer a little from my normal political dialogue and will attempt to indict some sport enthusiasts of a specific sport. Now, I would not normally do this but I was particularly irked by a man wearing a rather offensive t shirt. His t shirt stated “if it can’t kill you, it’s not a sport!” it was a particularly distasteful graphic t with an image of a large animal on it. His shirt basically implied that if I don’t like walking around in the mountains trying to shoot animals, I am not an athlete of any kind. So kind sir I saw in a parking lot this is my indictment of hunters like you, particularly hunters who wear hunting t shirts in attempt to show that they have more testosterone than the rest of us. Oh, and by the way, if you have not heard there have been multiple deaths in the U.S. due to the heat wave. So I guess not drinking enough water, and over exposure to the sun is the latest sport because there have been fatalities. Guess that means drunk driving and border hopping are also sports. Can’t wait for the London games to see who gets the gold in gangsterism. Tragic they won’t be alive to hear their national anthem or get the gold medal to sell, and by rocks with the cash.

Now let’s examine a couple classic hunter tees and see what they tell us about this man I saw in the parking lot, who so selfishly discounted everyone else’s sport. This guy must be a star athlete from these shirts I found.

Well, from this shirt it appears that their sport is strictly for the unemployed, I get the picture now. Were he to have a job he could buy food like the rest of us but he plays a sport for jobless people. This must be a top notch group of people, a bunch of unemployed people with guns. Sounds like I am describing Detroit but really it’s just hunterville. It’s true they have white collar jobs and blue collar jobs but these folks’ necks are red and we all know there aren’t red collar jobs.

Now that we have established that hunters don’t work let’s move onto the next point. Hmm they are alcoholics. This really must be a dangerous sport, a bunch of hungry unemployed people with guns scared me enough, but get a little alcohol in there and things get even worse. This shirt also tells us another key attribute of hunters. We know they don’t work yet this shirt mentions money. How would someone with no job get money? They are either claiming unemployment to feed their hunting habit or they are thieves and rob money. So far we have established that they are unemployed, alcoholics, and thieves. Sounds like they are stunning athletes to me. But I don’t put my life on the line very often so I might not be a good judge.

I was wondering why hunters were unemployed and I did not have to look very far to find the answer. It seems that hunters are 80 percent numerically illiterate. They only recognize the number 3 and 0 as shown by this shirt. I imagine they recognize these numbers because they have three beers every hour and have zero percent chance of being contributing members of society. I hate to break it to you but I could not hire someone that responded “deer thirty” when asked the time.

I was under the illusion that hunters were proactive in defending the second amendment mainly because they wanted to defend their families in times of danger but such is not the case. This shirt breaks my heart. I imagine a nice country girl asking for more time with her husband and this man just walks out. Hunters obviously abandon their families to go spend time with animals, where I come from that’s called bestiality but I guess that’s just normal hunter life.

 Oh look speaking of bestiality they beat me to it, here they openly embrace their passion for animals, not only are they animal killers but now animal rapists as well.

So there we have it folks, a class A group of people. Unemployed, gun toting, alcoholic, thieving, numerically illiterate, family abandoning, and participants of bestiality. This to me sounds not like a healthy athlete who spends time in the weight room, practicing plays, eating healthily, and promoting child athletic programs. Instead this sounds like a state prison. So to the man in the parking lot who suggested the rest of are sub par athletes because there is no risk of losing our life I reject your statement and your own t shirts show that hunters are far from athletic or even productive, quality people. Instead they show the opposite. Hunterville is Compton for white folks.

Yours untruly, cause I am my own

Benjamin Williams